((((Babysteps))))

I am really sorry you are feeling so empty, and like you are tired of life. Believe me when I say I understand. When I say I feel I have nothng to say and it takes all I have to come here and type even one letter. When it seems to take forever for even one sentence to form or words to even come together to form a sentence.

I know how it feels to question your very existance both in the world and here on PC. Maybe I have nothing to say, maybe I am just wasting peoples time here, maybe I am not worth their efforts to write me. I have thought all of those thoughts just recently. And I have thought about not coming back here. To just delete my account and slip off somewhere so that no one knows where.

I know the feeling of laying across my bed and just staring away. Of not eating or wanting to again. To not even feel I am worth food. Of asking myself who am I and thinking I have nothing to offer to anyone. And who wants to hear from me. That I am who I am and nothing is going to change that.

I am struggling with every word coming across this screen right now. Wondering if I am saying anything at all. Or if I make any sense at all. I guess what I am saying is I do understand and I do hear what you are saying. You are not alone. I feel everyday I fake it and put on a smile despite what I am feeling so no one will know how I really feel.

But let me ask you something. If all of us went away from here because we felt empty and like we have nothing to offer or that we are not worth anyone's efforts or words----how many people would be left here on PC? How many of us would reach out and keep fighting as the survivors we are?

You do have something to say. You say it everyday whether in words or in a hug, or just your presence here. I know life is tough and it seems to kick us the hardest when we are down. And it just keeps kicking us and kicking us. And we struggle everyday to just sometimes lift our heads and keep going on. And it is a fight. Believe me I know.

Sometimes I just want it all to end, to be over. To stop the fight to go on because it is too much work and the work is hard. But don't you think that if it is so hard to fight----it must be something worth fighting for. If it were easy, how many of us would learn anything? How many of us would get up the next day and reach out to anyone.

Because if it were easy--we would not have to struggle and in that we would not have anything to share with others or hope to give one another that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That our abusers did not win. That what we fought so hard to live from did not get us. No, it is not easy. But each one of us are worth it.

So many of us were built up with words of anger, hate, worthlessness, bitterness, hurt, ridicule, doubt, and the list goes on. The winds come and blow, and the rains fall, and the storm rages----and the house with which we were built upon crashes. It does not know how to withstand the storms. It does not have the strength to fight and keep standing.

But we have the choice and the chance to rebuild that house. And start with a firm foundation. A foundation that grounds us in the time of storms. We have a chance to replace the anger with compassion for one another, the hate with unconditional love for one another, with wholeness so we can combat the worthless feelings by building one another up.

We can turn the bitterness into giving one another a taste of what could be if we reach together, to erase the hurt by being kind--for one kind word can sometimes carry someone a long ways. We can take the ridicule we lived with and pound in nails of uplifting words.

We an take doubt and give each other the gift of hope through our words and our life experiences, and we can take each day and start to build with the efforts of all of us together a foundation that is strong and steady. It will take time but it is possible. If we each one keep coming here and taking the chance to reach out and be heard, it begins.

It has the seed of change planted deep within and the water of each person here to give nourishment and to keep weeding out the negative. It takes a army to come together to fight for right but it takes one kind word to begin to give someone hope. And if that that word is repeated enough times, we can start to believe. And to believe is to live.

I know it is really dark right now Babysteps, but let us reach out and hold a flashlight for you to see, let us walk with you and carry you until you are strong enough to stand once again. But please do not give up before the foundation has been built and a new strength to stand on exists. I know it is not easy and I am trying myself to grasp hold and keep walking at times. But I know that if I come here and reach out, there are those who can give me even one word that can carry me until I can grasp hold and stand once again.

It is like I feel I am inside this dark tunnel, and no one can see me or reach me. But I know that everyone is surrounding that tunnel without cheering me on as I walk through it. And though I cannot hear anyone right now----I know they are there. And when I come to the end of this tunnel, all my PC friends and family will be waiting there with there arms open wide and cheering me on just as they were before I entered this dark tunnel. For no longer am I alone in all this.

It may feel that way----but look up and get a glimpse of the light we are all shining down in that tunnel. The end of the tunnel will come and the darkness will fade away. And the storm will once again cease and the rainbow will return. And the foundation that we are building will stand with the help of our friends and our willingness to change. It is not easy, but possible.

Know I care and I am here listening and hearing you. You are not alone in this place. And you are important to each and everyone one of us. PC is made up of us all. When one hurts we all hurt. We all are here for one another and together we will stand. If one falls we are there to lift one up and never again are we alone.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. I care.

dps