Sometimes it takes a very bad situation to find the resources and help you need to survive. Friday I found out I no longer have insurance so I cannot see my T anymore. . . no it's worse. The insurance was ended at the end of August. Due to miss-communication I wasn't informed until Friday when I decided to ask because that Thursday when I got paid the money wasn't pulled out for my health insurance.

So yesterday my T made a special effort to come into the office just for me, she's normally not there on Mondays. I tried calling Friday, but the office was already closed so I had no way of getting a hold of her. So I went in.

I was fighting back the tears as I sat in the waiting room. I didn't want to say good bye. I didn't want to be bounced around to another counselor who is perhaps less qualified since I'll have to find someone who gets government aid to use a sliding fee scale. I didn't want to have that feeling all over again that everyone no matter how much they care and I care. . .leaves. Even now as an adult I'm scared that my mom's going to leave and never come back. I have the same attachments to my counselors. I never got the love and support that I needed from my own mother, why should they? But still as long as they're getting paid I know they'll be there for me. . . and now. . . she's going to be gone.

I unconsciously rocked myself while I waited and tried to shut out the taunting in my head and the one trying to comfort me with logic, I'm always logical. . .it makes sense. I felt numb as I was overwhelmed and slowly things became surreal. Then out of the bathroom came my old T. I haven't seen her in so long I started to seriously believe she wasn't real that maybe she too was some creation of my overactive imagination. I had ten minutes till my appointment so she invited me into her office. Just her presence alone brought me back to reality. I told her the bad news and she said she was sorry. She said that hopefully something will work out and I can always call her. . . too bad she doesn't know about my fear of phones. But still. . . she's reassuring. I hugged her and told her how much I missed her. I felt like a death took place.

I took a few breaths and she ushered me into my T's office and apologized saying that we talked about my brother... I think I remember her asking how he was doing. My T looked at me still crying and remarked "looks like you guys talked a little more than just about her brother, is he okay?". I replied that everyone's fine, I just found out though I don't have insurance. I don't have a way to pay you. I owe so much on so many other bills I don't know what to do. I don't remember anything but an awful silence. It was okay though, I don't mind silence.

I could feel my T thinking, I knew she didn't like the silence. She wanted to say something. She picked up a phone book then started writing some addresses down. I think she said some things to quiet that silence but all I knew was the pattern on the rug was spinning. Then it happened, for a moment I was inside and someone was out, I don't know who it was but I was knowing what they were saying and doing. . . I was co-conscious with an alter at least that's what I believe. It's almost a shame that my T didn't notice the change even though I did. I was powerless I tried to scream out that I'm inside but I couldn't move my mouth. Instead another girl spoke. She asked about the chairs. She wanted to know if our T ever used all of the chairs. We laughed about those stupid chairs. Then the alter or whatever that was went back inside and let me out again. I felt more relaxed, more attentive. The patterns in the rug didn't spin for me anymore and I understood now that my T was referring me to someone who has all of the resources in our state to work with me. She wrote down the name of who to ask for. She asked me several times if my step-dad could take me. I'm so glad I didn't drive. Nothing felt real, it could've been bad had I had to drive myself. She also wrote down some other numbers to check into including some group that has a sliding fee scale for counseling. I gave her a hug, our first. .. our last. And told her how scared I was and I don't think I can do anything on my own. She reassured me that I'm going to be okay and that whoever I find to give them a month and be sure to let her and my old T know how they go. She said that everyone in their field are here to help.

So we drove peeling our eyes out for the 405 building that was scribbled on the paper. We found it, I asked my step-dad to come with me but naturally he refused. This is my thing, he's just there cause he had errands to do in the city anyways. It reminds me of how alone I really am in my mental health status. Mom "says" she'd come with me but she has to work. I feel like she'll never put me first, she never has before. But still I hope and try to stay open minded to change. She came with me to one counseling session. She turned the whole session into her own personal therapy session. I remember being there and her and my T talking and I just stared out the window curled up on the chair waiting for the 45 minutes to pass.

I put my hand around the door handle to the building. I knew why I was there, I needed to learn what my options were for counseling with the ultimate goal of independence from my family but I didn't want to rush into anything. I can't move out right now. My step-dad's relying on me to work and pay his bills along with mine. It rushed into my head that I still haven't paid anything this month on my dentist and doctor. I forced myself to file those thoughts away for a later time I had to stay focused or my visit would be meaningless and I won't get the resources I need.

I opened the door and entered a warm atmosphere I could hear laughter behind one of the closed doors just off of the waiting area. Bravely I walked up to the reception desk. "Hello, how can I help you?" "ummmm" I pulled out the paper and my T's business card. "I was told to ask for an (insert name here)" "okay, she's in a meeting right now but I'll go check on it, is she expecting you?" I shyly shook my head not sure what to do now. Was I supposed to make an appointment or call ahead of time? I've never done this before. The receptionist went into the room with the laughter and came back saying she was just finishing up the meeting and will be done shortly. She asked me if there was anything she can do for me while I waited. I dumbfoundly shrugged my shoulders. So she asked what I came here for. I stumbled through with meaningless words then finally managed to say "I don't really know. . .I was told to talk to (insert name)." So she asked if I wanted to know what exactly they do and I readily shook my head yes. It'd be good to know where I was and why I was there. She got me a brochure and helped me fill out a background paper on me.

The director came out of the room and warmly introduced herself to me and had me follow her to her office. Instead of sitting behind the desk like I expected she took a chair next to mine. She looked over the paper and was happily surprised to see that my T is an old friend of hers. She was nearly ecstatic and full of praise. I guess I've never seen that amazing side of my T. I guess I never will now. She asked me what my goals were. I still couldn't remember what I was here for. She asked me a few questions then left the room and returned with a black man. I mention the fact that he's black because since we've moved I have only on extremely rare occasions seen a person who was not white or Indian. It made me so happy to meet him, he made me feel so comfortable it was like a warm blanket came over me and I was home. I already have a job so now he wants to help me get into the apartments next to my new job. . . but that step is really scary. I told him about the insurance situation and that I need to continue counseling or I'll stop functioning. He readily agreed that counseling is the priority and he's going to do what he can so I can continue to see the same T I've been seeing. I have a gut feeling though that it's not going to happen. The group that she's with doesn't receive government funding, and I can never afford private insurance on my own. But still he's going to try and that's the important thing. Everyone was so nice to me. I've never met such friendly happy people before. The ultimate goal is for me to gain independence but it's so scary, and right now I know I can't afford it. But, they are going to start the paperwork for me for disability and will talk to my T about if she feels that I'm ready to live on my own yet. It's going to be a long road. . . but now I'm not alone.

I'll be talking to the "simian man", as he had called himself jokingly in our conversation, again on Friday. He'll be in my town then. Then I'll know if it's remotely possible for me to continue my counseling with my current T. I know a lot of times I feel like a change of T's is necessary since she questions my belief that I may have DID, but it is also very possible that she's right and I'm just obsessing. She really does have my best interest at heart after all. I just wish I had seen that sooner. I am so glad that she thought to refer me to this non-profit group who will help me in anyway they can. For the first time in this past year there's a shimmer of hope there for me. Even if I'm scared out of my wits that I'm going to get pushed out of the nest too soon

So guys, no matter how bleak a situation may seem. Even if it's not going according to your plan, just maybe, maaaybe it's just opening you up to a much bigger world than the one you've created for yourselves.