((((((((((( babysteps )))))))))))))))

You are such a kind person, you deserve only the best in life. You have not disappointed anyone here, we all care deeply for you.
Have you tried writing everything that you are experiencing down on paper, sometimes it helps me to just let it all out. Sending you and everyone big hugs.
When we feel at our worst is when we need to treat ourselves the best, try to go easy on yourself, it's ok to fall let us help you back up.