Oh, Tree! It is so difficult to be left with all of this until next thursday You have all of us and you have your h and kids and RL friends I know its not the same thing as t but it IS what you have for now. Please post a lot. I know how frustrating an answer is when you dont understand the answer. Maybe t says your doing it b/c your alters are talking to him very freely? Does t say what is going on when you are not aware of it? Orwhat you are doing that is "it"?

This new t (flat tire t) said something to me about integration. As I processed all of the things that she said about trauma it made sense that I would be more aware and be able to stay present more and not need this way to cope (even if there is no reason to disappear). But I felt instantly like "disappearing" works for me and I dont want to be present and aware all the time. I never worked with anyone who dealt with trauma and understood what my experiences were, so no one ever suggested to me that this is a way of coping on a daily basis. And now she is suggesting I should integrate and be aware. I dont know if its what I can do. I cant imagine it. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am going to be turned inside out. Even writing in a journal about my expereinces is scary. Just doing that makes me more aware. It scares me to be more aware.

What she talked to me about was "grounding techniques" so that I would be able to cope after the session. I dont know what that entails, but I am hoping it helps me feel like I can go through my day after a session.

I guess what Im trying to say is that it is all scary. But it seems scarier to have these periods of time that I cannot be present for my life. And I know you want to be present in your sessions with t. Maybe like Sunrise said, it doesnt have to be integrate or not integrate. I dont understand a lot about it, but I know how it all makes me feel. There were times during the session with ft t that I know her mouth was moving and she was saying something, but I didnt understand a word and she seemed far. I was in and out at times and I missed some. I dont want to and I think you dont want to live this way. That is why we are getting help from our t's. I say, believe him when he says you are doing it, but ask him in what way are you doing it? Im sorry you have to wait until thursday. Im here for you Tree...I love you