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Sep 23, 2009, 02:05 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Fringes of the bell-shaped curve
Posts: 779
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   Hi, (((Babysteps))) - so glad you are posting - was really concerned about you. First, I am so sorry for your loss of your stepmother - she was really your only touchstone in that situation. I also sorry that your dog is ill - hope he is well soon.
It sounds like your father is a real narcissist - completely self-centered and self-absorbed. Of course he is going to talk about himself to this woman he has never met before - she doesn't know him, therefore it is very easy for him to control her perception of him - that's what narcissists do. The only value anyone has to such a person is determined by the extent to which they can be used to enhance how others perceive the narcissist - everything they say and do is about Power, Dominance, and Control. They don't really have relationships - they just take "prisoners." They also like to withhold from others that which the others need most - love, acceptance, support, encouragement, etc., so they can keep others "hungry" and begging - holding these things before them like a carrot in order to manipulate them into doing whatever the narcissist wants them to do - "emotional blackmail." Those they cannot deceive and manipulate into submitting to their will, will be coerced and intimidated into submitting, and punished for resisting. The narcissist needs constant affirmation from others to validate their own existence, so controlling how others perceive and assign value to them is paramount. Further, they must always have at least one person that they can demean and devalue in order to affirm their superiority - and they just cannot feel superior unless they have the heel of their boot on the back of someone's neck shoving their face in the dirt.
Unfortunately for you, he doesn't see you as being useful in enhancing how others perceive and assign value to him; therefore he is going to withhold your "reward" - he is going to withhold everything you need from him - his love, acceptance, understanding, and support - and he is never going to thank you for anything you do for him because he operates from the position that you "owe" him everything and should be subservient to him. Also, if he were to give you what you need, then he would no longer have a hold over you - he would no longer have power, dominance, and control over you. This is also how my parents and siblings operate and I have been studying them for almost 60 years, now.
This is not a good environment for you - it would be great if you could manage other living arrangements. However, if that is not feasible, if you can understand how he operates, how he thinks, you may be better able to see him for who and what he really is and not be quite so affected by his behavior - he won't be able to control your emotions. You must not allow him to convince you that he has the right to define your identity or determine your value as a human being. You must free yourself from his tyranny. We here at PC know your heart and soul - do not allow this narcissist to convince you that you are anything other than the good, kind, compassionate, loving person that we all know you to be.
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"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
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