I cancelled my friend's t this morning. I felt badly that it was a couple of hours before the appt. I was getting ready to go and got up early to get my kids off to school. My 2 yo was still sleeping. I was ready to get her up to get her to school and go to my appointment. I just couldnt do it. I couldnt talk about everything again today. The trauma stuff- even if I wasnt going into detail. My ED. And my t. I just felt not strong enough. I wish so much that I was stronger and could go and check out these t's and talk and talk. And then evaluate them. I am disappointed in myself.

I feel like I dont have a strong enough center and I cant shut off powerful feelings. And then I get overwhelmed and cant do anything. The t doesnt know me and I will leave there and have to process my feelings once again. Instead I got back into bed (h drove my other kids to school) and snuggled up to my baby. I SO did NOT want her to be in school today. I need her little self. She is so young to be away from me. Maybe it triggers something in me to leave her there (even though its only from 9:30- 1). I was certainly repeatedly abandoned by my mother. Eventually we got up and did chores today.

I have not thought much about whether I will make another appt with my friends t. I have another appt with flat tire t the week after next (oct 5). I dont mind processing for another week. And I dont want to see my t until I have another couple of appts with ft t.

I will write things down tonight and see what comes up.