I leave for school tomorrow. I've spent the last two days saying my goodbyes. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Last year, I cried myself to sleep the night before I left to go back to school. I don't want to do that again. I'm really scared about this year, about what's going to happen, about what I'm going to have to do to make it better. I'm scared I'll fail miserably and wind up right back where I started. When I came home I had a bit of a breakdown and had to get my meds increased by 50% just to keep myself functioning. I don't want to raise the meds any more. I don't want to go to therapy. I don't want to return to my depression but I'm so, so scared that's what's going to happen. I've been feeling so good lately, and now I can feel myself clinging to that feeling by the skin of my teeth. There's just too much to worry about at school, too much aloneness even though I'm surrounded by people, too much pressure, too much anxiety, too much distance between me and the people I care about ... I'm so scared I'm going to collapse again under the weight of my own life. I can't believe I have to keep at this for two more years!!

I don't know why I'm posting, I just really needed to vent. I feel sick and nervous and tired and sad and frustrated, especially because a week ago, I was genuinely excited to go back to school! I hate feeling so miserable now. I want that excitement back. I'm so scared I won't be able to do this ... I could really use some hugs.