Last night, I did send my brother a short e-mail to him. I told him that I still loved him, cared about him, and wish him the best and that these things will never change. I also said that I know you (my brother) have gone on with your life as I have. And said I know you hate me and wish I was never born and hope that your wounds heal. And ended it with ... love always, (my real name).

I haven't received any response from him and don't think that I will.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering about him. Like does he ever miss me, does he care about how I am doing, does his heart ache is he sad...etc. We spent over 20 years living together...in my mind he must have some feelings of attachment towards me that aren't all negative. Maybe I should take my rose colored glasses off.

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I am still looking for part-time work. I had a good interview (in my mind) and was told that I would get called back for a second interview but he had some other applicants to see. I have been stressed out all day waiting and waiting...babysitting my phone. I have a job interview on Saturday at a grocery store as a cashier. Less pay and less hours.

My background is in psychology and sociology....and child care. Since I seem to be having no luck at getting a job as a cashier, dishwasher, busser...etc I have been considering going back to child care jobs. I didn't like my previous jobs working with children because I felt like a glorified babysitter and janitor being under paid and over worked. And I have poor self esteem and confidence and found it difficult to put up with some of the catty/childish co-workers. Can someone brainstorm child care professions ... so far I have been a kinder daycare teacher and an out of school care worker. Plus I have experience as being a classroom assistant at an elementary school.

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I just don't understand my brother's behaviour towards me. He seems to have everything going for him. He has a stable job, gf last I heard, works out regularly, lots of friends, travels the world, .... list goes on. Why can't he just give me a break and make peace with the past? I have been stable for 2 and half years now. I am no longer S at all. I am being proactive about finding a simple part-time job. I have filled out my application for college that is due to be submitted in October. I have being doing my best to get mental health services...it's an up hill battle. I just get very lonely and sad at night thinking about how successful other ppls lives are...family, children, career,...etc. All I have is a new friend, I own my home outright, I own my car, I can afford to take as long as I need to find work, I have an overly affectionate dog, I have an elderly couple that help me with my home repairs..

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How do you find that spark that makes you feel alive and want to take on the world? Instead of being content and lazy.

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I miss my brother so much but he has changed into a person that I don't understand why he is being so mean to me or indifferent. It hurts so much to think that I have absolutely no family. I am not close with my cousins or aunt. And my grandparents have passed on as well as my parents. Holidays, birthdays,...etc feel so lonely and pointless. At Christmas time I wish it was still summer or someway I could pretend it wasn't Christmas time.