I had a T-riffic session today.

Yesterday morning I cried so deep and so hard & loud that I was afraid one of my kids would hear me. I was alone in my room, and had just listened to a guided meditation.I had to muffle my sobs. I was trying to understand the connection between T on Monday and this experience. I think it was triggered by my feeling of abandonment the other day. I said to T that maybe the tears just had to come out. I had a very deep longing for my mother.

We discussed the rupture/repair cycle and T said it was the cornerstone of relationships. We talked about hope, and knowing that the relationship is secure because of how we have been able to repair the ruptures every time. Oh, it was a most amazing session. I told him he gave me two gifts this week--one when he called back the other night and the other today when he helped me to understand how secure our relationship is. So, I KNOW that T won't abandon me even if he's crabby in session. I told him that when I freak out it's all in the feeling state and I lose my cognitive abillity and my adult self. He said it's because of the repeated trauma/the long cycle of trauma I experienced as a child.
l
But knowing I am now secure in this relationship gives me hope for the future. I told T that on some level I worry that when we have a rupture, he wlll fire me as a patient. He goes, "I hate it when they do that." LOL