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Old Sep 24, 2009, 08:23 PM
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Christina86 Christina86 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19,686
OR I'm going crazy.
OR I'm stressing myself out.
OR I'm just very anxious.
OR there's too much happening in my life right now, most of it not so good.
OR maybe I'm overreacting.

All I know is this. I had the first meeting of a psychotherapy group this morning. Which hurt me a lot inside and left me in a "knot". I didn't say much the whole meeting (completely unlike me). I couldn't stay focused or centered.

And I've spent the rest of the day either sleeping (yes, I slept at my university, and missed my afternoon class) or being a space cadet, or getting absolutely ticked off at stupidly random things.

It's not PMS. I know that much.
I HAVE been taking my Effexor regularly, so this is not a "missed dose" effect.

But I feel like I'm losing my mind again. Or my sanity. Although apparently if you think you're crazy you're not - only the truly crazy one thinks they're sane. (Random I know)

I may be dealing with undiagnosed ADD on top of it. Or else my learning disability is making me exceptionally random and space cadet like.

I'm not angry. I dont think I am... maybe I am. I dont know.
I'm not really sad either. I havent cried in a while now (maybe a few days?)

I hate situational depression. That's what the psychiatrist says I have. He doesnt think I'm overly anxious (except *I* think I am) and he doesn't think I have ADD (jury verdict still out on that).

I just really miss therapy. I miss beign able to talk about my problems instead of keeping them inside. I think I've officially driven people crazy. I miss having someone to talk to instead of everyone always wanting to talk to me.

I'm no better off than anyone else. I'm not any smarter than anyone else. Yeah, in November I'll have a psychology degree. Who the heck cares? I still cant help myself if my life depended on it (I think it IS important though). Im not a trained counsellor. I wish my IRL friends stopped acting like I knew everything.

I wish I had thicker skin. I wish peoples opinions of me didnt matter to me. I wish I could deal with my batshit crazy family (that's a technical term ). I wish I wasnt broke financially and I knew what the hell I was doing with the rest of my life.

I'm 23 years old. I feel lost. And alone. And my rational mind has taken a hiatus so you're all reading most of my emotional mind. Well, some of it. Maybe not. I cant really identify what I feel. I know I'm not doing okay.

I know I need therapy. I know I need antidepressants to function. I know life will get better. I know all of this...

But I still feel crappy. And it sucks. Big time. I also have a stupid headache and TMJ acting up again because of the stress I'm currently under. And I havent exactly kept on top of my schoolwork. Yeah, we're only a couple of weeks in though thankfully.

I just wish I knew how to fix all of this. I could be a billionaire by now if I knew the answer to completely get rid of depression.

... at least I still have some of my sense of humour.

I know Im writing a lot. I know I need to give myself a break and remind myself I am not superwoman. I am not high and mighty because of the jobs I do or the roles I play. I am just human, and broken and hurting and all that stuff...

Forgive me. I know I ramble a lot. Need not respond I just needed a vent.
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Thanks for this!
lynn09