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So, I KNOW that T won't abandon me even if he's crabby in session. I told him that when I freak out it's all in the feeling state and I lose my cognitive abillity and my adult self. He said it's because of the repeated trauma/the long cycle of trauma I experienced as a child. 
But knowing I am now secure in this relationship gives me hope for the future. I told T that on some level I worry that when we have a rupture, he wlll fire me as a patient.
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This is such an insightful statement. That the repeated trauma experienced as a child holds us in that child feeling state where our more developed, older (adult) state is unable to function. We become real young. But that your safety and security with t may someday be the key to you staying in your adult without having to go into the sad, hurting child state.
I believe those tears, that very deep longing for your mother, are healing tears that need to come out. Coming to a place where you can feel it and know what it is you long for is a peaceful, whole place to be. You are doing amazing work, Miss C.
About losing your adult self- I can so relate to this. I can get so young, so fast. The connect/disconnect cycles you talk about are very painful for me to even read about. It could even be that this whole thing about me leaving my t is about her 1 week vacation and my feeling so abandoned I cant bear to stay. I cannot re-connect. Of course, there are a million legit reasons to leave, but the connect/disconnect cycle is a very painful thing for me. Especially since she would NOT discuss it at all. No conversation about her vacation before she left or when she came back. And it wasnt for my lack of trying.
As you pointed out, the feelings are so young and so powerful that our adult, cognitive self disappears. Like you, I so want to soothe that small child and allow my adult self to be present and understand that I am not really being abandoned.