Home here at the comp thinking about my visit w/T today 2 hrs flew by...so fast...I cant beleive it, its almost a year and SUDDENLY out it came. I could not look at him had to close my eyes and just clear my head but out it came...the truth ... the memory which lead to the act ... the act which was so deliberate....planned, methodical, the items the monster needed to accomplish his goal, over and over and over again.... there is no number that I can count.... I told it to T and he listened. He listened and he encouraged, he listened and watched, he listened and felt my angst he listened and he reassured, he listened and he fought for me, he listened and he was proud of me, he listened and then he spoke. He fought for me, for what I am unable to see, he advocated for me, to me when I was in doubt, he broke it down for me so that I do not waver.... he taught me what its called .... rape... molestation....he encouraged me and told me I could do it, he rooted me on so that I should write and release it.... he says I am gettting stronger and wants me to believe, he shows me the path and brightens my way. He asks if I feel free now that I have told, Im not sure I reply ... got to let it settle in.... got to let my head absorb what I did, got to let my head understand it is not a betrayal... got to let my head understand the need.... to release...to relate...to communicate....to be free ..... to let it out..... got to let my body relax ...the anxiety is fierce .. panic has set in...the body feels betrayed and the mind is confused ... two sides here both were in it together but now they have split...they have separated and one is freaking out..I can feel the panic in my legs screaming "you told! how dare you! I can feel my stomach screaing "what did you do?" I can feel it climbing up my sides thru my shoulders yealling "ahhhhhhhgggrrrrr" my mind and my body are trying to communicate but they are confused.

I know its good I told the details of the act which intruded my child-body, which offended the rules, which took from me the trust and stomped it out of my life, which is hugher than murder the taking of life, rather he stole it and I was left empty!

I am angry, I am sad, I am distraught at the knowledge and the deception, I and afraid of how I feel, I am in a fright worse than at night....I told and am glad but Im lost for tonight

Pray for me that Ill make it rested for weeks-end... got to focus on the job so that it doesnt beat me and allow me to mend.

I write because I am messed up in a way from all this crap swirling in my head. It happened and it happened and now I am trying to deal to cope orlearn to cope.