very difficult session with T today.
H going away again next week...mon-thurs.
rewrote the above poem .

crawling---sloth like
slower than a snail
barely crawling.....
filling days with activity
what a good actor
what a fake
what a hypocrite.
all the while
trying to still the inside voice
of despair and doom...
trying not to stay in the corners
too long....then what is too long
an hour
a day
a lifetime?
or blend in the shadows
and disappear
oh for that relief
that refuge
that safety
the easy way
perhaps the only way
to stay alive
---------

i'm so exhausted.
i wonder if what is going on inside is out of T's realm?
oh, she's supportive enough, listens, reads the poetry but i'm not sure she is really getting it.
i'm not sure she is understanding the sinking and the fear.
i wrote another poem, but dare not post it because it is very triggering.
it scares me to read it.
it is a deep dark "demon" that i just can't fight.
T says i can, i've fought enough of "them' and come thru on the other side--she said that each time one shows it's ugly head i make it thru.
encouraging words perhaps, but i don't think she can understand the depth of what is going on. i'll be fine this weekend.
then the "dark" comes again.
I have to hold it together b'cuz H already has apprehensions about leaving me alone...and this is a MUST for his job. I'll pretend, and I'll hold together till he goes.
(he's not stupid, and he knows i'm in a rocky place--just doesn't know how rocky)
i'll shut up now.... and maybe next time i post i will be in a better place. i'll getting to where i am feeling like i am a bother and a needy person tht everyone will start to dred reading my posts.