Hello Everyone. I have been reading here and have found nothing that could really help me with my issue here. A quick intro here I guess. I am a 48 year old female with MS pretty much totally housebound.
I need to state that I love my hubby a great deal and I do believe he loves me. I am just of late realizing a great deal of myself and in turn our relationship. I do go through periods of depression, sometimes very deep. My husband has always been extremely supportive of me and helped all he can I guess.
I do have issues dealing with my insecurities, he is extremely likeable and charming there is hardly a soul who has met him that does not like him. My being so housebound and all at times makes my insecurities jump to the forefront. We have talked about this recently. I am trying vry hard to get out of this as I really can't stand how I feel. He has never given me a reason to mistrust him. I can be very negative also, which I am trying to get under control as it is unpleasant to us both.
Anyhow my problem of the last few days is this.We have been together for 18 years last 10 we have been married. I have 3 children from previous marriage, he has no children of his own and had never been married before. I had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 23 so of course could have no more children. Sorry if I cant get this out fast enough or am rambling. My husband is 42 now. Anyhow he had always said he never really wanted to have children so it didnt matter that I couldn't. Several months later it got back to me that he had looked into adoption whcih because of not having much money was not a reality. Since then I have gotten ill. The thing is lately that I had noticed since his cousin had a child that he was noticing kids more often and making comments and such. The other night I asked him if he ever thought of having children anymore as he wiped tears of his eyes he said why think of something that wasn't possible. Broke my heart horribly to see that. Apparently also before we were married which helped him decide to actually marry me I had said in the tavern in Feb of 1996 that with his work he would have a hard time doing that and being a father. I would guess I said that because he becomes consumed in his work, hates to be bothered (he is a very gifted talented artist) and knowing how he was and knowing the responsiblity of being a father well I was wrong I know that now. I never thought or said he would be a bad father because he wouldn't be just that he couldn't do what he was and be one at the same time. When he said this to me with the month and where we were and all it pretty well through me a loop. He said because I said that, it was the basis of decision. Can anyone see where I am going here with this? All I want is for him to be gloriously happy and have all he possibly can. As much as I dont like it I would even give him up for this reason. i dont think I cold live with it but he would never know that. I am so confused here I have no clue what to do. I believe he would stay with me and be miserable than hurt me by leaving and that is what bothers me. I am feeling selfish in that I want him in my life but not like this. How do I handle this? I feel terrible that he is giving up something so important to himself to stay and take care of me. I do believe he loves me in his way but he has a very strong loyalty trait and that alone would keep him here with me. He even said to me that if it wasn't true I would not have said it to him. He refused my apology when I said that I made a mistake in saying what I did. I may have been right but there are men who have had families and still managed to do what they wanted with themselves. Though I even need to push him at times to do his work because he will nurse over me and I know that is how he would be with any woman he loved or with children and then he would not do his work. What am I saying or thinking or feeling? Please I so need help with this all.
Thank you all who read very much any and all thoughts will be greatly appreciated.
I don't want to beg but I will PLEASE HELP ME!!!