Zen...
Perhaps it's also a void that was created by keeping you from attending family gatherings? Not just the void of missing him, but also what he "took" away from you...
Things you would like to do family-wise but choose not to in order to keep some kind of peace...may play a part in the void that was created in your life.

You can do this, Zen. You are doing an excellent job of expressing yourself here, people that support and care for you...it will come together for you, Zen...unfortunately it won't happen quickly or easily.
One thing at a time, and you are doing this.

Yes, please do keep posting so we know how you are, ok?

In Peace