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VickiesPath · Sep 27, 2009, 04:48 PM

Hi uoffl and welcome to PsychCentral,

I read your post (believe it or not) and must say you certainly have been through a lot of pain.

I see a lot of myself in your words. I won't go into why because it will take too long. But what I see as I read your post is a very talented and determined girl who has had some trauma in her background. (Me too) She has very high expectations for herself. (Me too) She is terrified of disappointing those she cares about. (Me too) She lies when she should tell the truth because she feels the truth is not acceptible. (Me too) When everything comes crashing down around her, she goes into a deep depression because she's disappointed herself as well as those around her. (Me too) Her self esteem keeps getting worse because she beats herself up for doing these things over and over. (Me too)

What I would suggest first is counseling. Have you worked with a therapist on the trauma from your mother's abuse? I think that is needed. Also, you are expecting so much from yourself that when you made a mistake and cheated on your boyfriend, you chose to lie about it, not once but several times because you thought it was unforgivable. Look what developed from just one lie? It snowballed. Somehow we feel like we need to lie because if we tell the truth about ourselves, we are not acceptible, we are less than human. No one will love us.

I would like very much for you to begin feeling better about yourself so that you will realize that you are worth your friends and you have something to give back to them. Therapy will help you do that.

School puts great demands on you. Your personal relationship is putting great demands on you and is not going well. You need some rescue support. Please seek out a therapist.

We are here for you.