First off, I'm so sorry for such a long post. It's a long and dramatic story.
I cheated on my 6 year relationship ex-boyfriend when I went to college. I finally broke up with him when I was 20. I'm now 22. I was always the girl who had a strong belief about fidelity. I really really believed in fidelity, because I came from such a strong-valued family. I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused as to what I was thinking. I still can't figure out what I was thinking, except to say I know the circumstances, and I try to stay away from it now. I decided to wipe the slate clean, and start anew. I got emotionally closer to few of my girl friends, instead of having guys as best friends. Then I met someone else. I'm in a relationship with him right now, and we've been together for 1 1/2 year. The problem started when we were in the relationship for 4 months. Before we were in the relationship, the guy I cheated on my ex-boyfriend with was still trying to keep in contact and bother me. I told my boyfriend all about how annoyed I was getting 'cause I really don't want to have anything to do with this guy. He asked me if I've had any romantic relationship with this guy. Feeling panicked and ashamed, I lied and said no. I think a few weeks into the relationship, my mom sent some stuff for me through this guy, and I wasn't comfortable being with him, and my boyfriend was studying in the library with me, so I asked my boyfriend to go with me. After I got my stuff, this guy called me and got really mad as to how I can find someone else and flaunt in front of him. I told my boyfriend this guy called and said that. I just want to be left alone by him. So again, he asked if I've been in a romantic relationship with this guy. I lied again and said no. One day, I was on my email account looking for class info, and as I was scrolling through old mails, my boyfriend saw an email coming from my ex-boyfriend a long time ago when we were still in the relationship. I forgot it was even there. One night, my best girlfriend called and I had to go outside to talk because there was no phone signal in the apartment. I left my email open, and later found out my boyfriend had gone through my email in a hurry to try and read the email from my ex-boyfriend, he got mad 'cause I seem like I didn't know how to handle guys who came on to me. I guess he wanted to know what we talked about when we were still in the relationship. I felt violated, 'cause I'm really big on protecting my privacy. Even my mom, who's very keen on keeping an eye on me when I was still a teenager, knows to let me have some space now that I'm in college. But I didn't make a big deal out of it. Then that 4-month mark came. I needed to send a business email, but I had no access to a computer. I asked my boyfriend to sign in my email and send it for me. Hours later, he called back with anger, complete outburst of anger, about my lie. He went through all my emails, trash included and found an email I'd sent to that guy I was cheating with, and the email was from when I was having the affair with that guy, so it contained romance stuff. Everything went downhill from there. I was still stubborn and stupid and ashamed, I said he was a mistake I made that I was so embarrassed, I didn't want to say anything. I told another lie. I said my ex-boyfriend and I were having problems and we were breaking up often, and I started going out with this guy but we weren't official, and I wasn't thinking straight. I just simply cannot admit I cheated. I guess I have this mental image of a cheater being the worst human being on earth, and I wasn't that. I just couldn't believe I cheated, because I'm not a horrible person. I'm a very family-oriented girl. I care deeply for my family, my friends, and others. That's the reason why I went into the medical career, because I'm capable of making through these challenges to learn and use that knowledge to help. I'm able to sympathize and understand, and connect, and that's why I went into the medical field. I really wanted to make the world better. I guess you can say I'm young with dreams. I was always there for friends when they needed me. I did my best to be the solid rock that my family can depend on. I really thought, I was not that horrible person, and so I just couldn't admit it, that I am that horrible person.
It went downhill from there. I really love my boyfriend, so I begged for his forgiveness. I begged for him to stay and give our relationship another chance. I said that I didn't mean to hurt him, I really have no bad intention of playing him around. I really don't. I just do stupid things, and I'm sorry! I'm just stupid like that, I don't know why. I'm sorry!
He told me he's never lost trust in someone before, and he doesn't know how he can rebuild it. After many times of me begging and crying, he finally gave in and say he can try, but don't depend on it.
I really want to be with him. I haven't strayed from our relationship once. I haven't even had a thought as to how it'd be if I'm not with him and I can try out other people. So I told him, I'll take whatever he throws at me.
We got in a lot of arguments, not the normal ones, the really destructive ones. He mostly vents out his anger by saying mean things to me, and I'm trying to make him understand why I lied, but it's no excuse. I just wanted him to be know I didn't mean to hurt him. I just really needed to protect myself from it. He didn't understand, so we always end up with him saying mean things, and me crying. The same stuff gets repeated over and over, how my tears don't matter, now unworthy I am, how low of a person I am, how he sees me in such dark light now that he's found out who I really am, a liar.
Then we moved from anger phase to breakup. Whenever we get into a fight, he always ended up trying to break up with me, while I begged and cried for him to stay. He always seemed so calm and cool during those times, while I always seemed to hysterical. A week without his effort to break up with me, is a week of a miracle. Whenever this happens, I come back to my apartment crying. My three roommates, who are my three close friends, one of them is my best friend, always tried to comfort me. They hated the way he treated me, and I couldn't understand why. I told them I did wrong, I lied and it's not right, he has the right to be mad. They were frustrated with me, I can tell, 'cause I disregarded their concerns.
One day, he started another fight again, and I listened and tried to calm him down as usual. I didn't cry yet, 'cause we were on campus. Then he just stood up and left. I carried all the stuff he left behind, laptops, books, to go find him. My best friend called for lunch with me, and I tried to be cheerful so she wouldn't know, and said I'm caught up with something right now, I can't make it to lunch. My boyfriend was standing on the side of a building, and as I was rounding the corner, he saw me on the phone smiling. He automatically assumed I was fine without him, so he ran into the building out of anger. I ran after him, but I was slow because I was carrying all these stuff while he was running light. I couldn't find him. It got to 4 in the afternoon, and we had a class, so I texted him and said we really need to be in class, I'll save him a seat. He never came. I tried to find him after class, I was basically looking for him around this huge university campus lugging lots of heavy books around. I'm skinny as a stick, 'cause I have some health problems, and I pushed my physical limit. I was literally about to pass out. I asked him for my apartment key 'cause he has it. I was trying to get him to come out and talk to me face to face. He sneaked into the cafe shop somehow without me hearing him, and just dropped the keys into my bookbag without my knowing until the people there told me someone was taking something out of my bag. They didn't see well. It was my boyfriend putting the key inside it. I finally called my roommate, and told her what happened, and please come and pick me up, I was so tired. When I got home, my two other roommates were there, ready to comfort me. The three of them just dropped everything they were doing to take care of me, making sure I had food, that I drank water, that I'm gonna rest up. My boyfriend later texted and said sorry. I said I'll come over later when I'm rested up. My roommates didn't want me to stay over at his apartment since I've been staying there all week, they wanted me to clear my head. I went over to his apartment to talk, and I said I had to go back to my apartment now. He called at 3 or 4 in the morning, and he said he's been crying but he knows he'll be okay in the morning and none of this would matter. I couldn't stand to see him in pain, so I ran over to his apartment. My roommates were furious, 'cause they were scared something would happen to me on the way since I'm walking alone on the street. I went anyway. Things like this happened often, until one day my roommates sat me down, and said "This is not a healthy relationship, I understand he's mad, but it's been almost a year, the anger at least should subside, or find another healthier outlet for it. This is not communication or working it out, this is emotional and verbal abuse. You're so much better than this. You deserve better because you're a good person. You're showing signs of depression, you're doing horrible in school because of this, you're lost all friends except us, you're just heading to a really bad destructive road. Please save yourself while you still can, because we tried, and you didn't listen, and we love you so much, we just don't know what else to do".
I was so sad to know what I've put my friends through. I was the reason why they have this gloomy side of their lives. I was responsible. I told them how horrible I feel, putting them through this. And they say "no, you are not, I know you're not a gloomy person, you are the most optimistic and enthusiastic person we've ever known. When things got tough for everyone, you were the one who tried to make it right, when Z broke up with Y to go with another guy, and Y were devastated, you comforted Y and told him to get these dark thoughts out of his head, while you guided Z through by telling her how this is just a fire that will extinguish, and she'll end up hurting Y. You're there somewhere, you're just lost right now, and you need to find yourself again, because we love you". They keep reassuring me of what a good person I am, and how much they love me, and how much my family loves me, and that I need to get out of this relationship.
I still don't want to do that. Recently, during one of our fight, I finally revealed to my boyfriend that I cheated on my ex-bf and that's why I lied. I guess he understands it somewhat, but he still doesn't accept it, how I lied again.
He still tries to break up with me, but I don't beg him to stay anymore. I just cried. I understand why he has to go. I admitted to myself that it'll be hard when he really leaves me. I'll have to put a lot of broken pieces back together, and it'll never be the same again. I won't look at the world the same again, but with help from friends and family, hopefully I won't destroy my life as well and unable to help people like I always wanted to. I'm with my boyfriend now, and everyday I feel lucky to have him in my life. Each day I have him, is a blessing, even if my friends don't understand. They know though I feel the same way about them. I feel so blessed to have my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. I realized one day as I was walking home and picking out wild flowers on the side of the road for my roommates, they love me not because I'm a good person, they love me because THEY are the ones who are good at heart. It has nothing to do with me. Just 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend got mad at me again. I was just listening to music and studying. When I asked him what's wrong, he remained quiet for a while until he finally said I didn't do anything wrong, just looking at me sometimes infuriates him, just my presence can remind him of what a dishonest person I am, and of all the BS I've said. I lay on one side of the bed holding on to my faith bracelet and cried myself to sleep. I couldn't let him know I was crying though, 'cause my tears don't matter, so I was scared he'd get more angry. Later on, he got mad at me at 5 in the morning 'cause I was sleeping on the side instead of trying to comfort him. I didn't know. He was turning his back to me, and he didn't talk that much. I didn't know what to do or say. He was disgusted with my presence, how am I gonna respond to that? I didn't know. I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say, since I believe all of it.
That I am a horrible person, I should be punished, I should have no joy in my life. I don't understand why I'm so lucky to have these loved ones in my life. I don't know why. I'm unworthy of their love and I feel so bad I'm in their lives. If only they have someone else take over my spot, so the people I love can have a better person in their lives. 'cause I'm BS. That's all I am. I'm BS.
All those times when I wouldn't go out with my friends so my boyfriend wouldn't have to go crazy about where I've been, I just go to school, and go back to his apartment so he knows exactly where I am and what I'm doing. Then I'd go back to my apartment on the weekend 'cause his parents visit and he told them he doesn't have a girlfriend, so I can't be there. All that indicate my presence in his life is neatly packed in a small lamp box that can be stored on the upper shelf. When I visit my parents and my siblings, I just stay inside the house and spend time with them so I can be connected to the internet so my boyfriend would know I'm at home and not get worried. All that isn't enough, because I'm a dishonest BS like he said.
My mom is worried if he breaks up with me, I'll become a mess and commit suicide like I did in the teenage year when my dad was physically abusing my mom. But I won't, because that was a stupid mistake. It leaves your family and loved ones behind with pain and emptiness. I can't do that to my family. But I feel bad that I'm a horrible person and they're unlucky enough to have me as a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a girlfriend. What can I do? I want to become a better person.