thanks I hear you guys
I been thinking where did this problem start. I think I have had it all my life. I remember when i was a kid in fifth grade or so hiding in my living room and staring out the little window of our door at the kids playing basket ball. I probally watched 2 or 3 hundred games of football basketball frisbee or something out that window. I got labeled early as a spaz and weird because i would do stupid stuff I guess to get attention. For example one time at school i put pencils in my nose and walked up to the teacher in middle of class and said i cant breath. That was sooo stupid I didnt get any friends that day but i got a lot of people making fun of me.
I got a whippin probally every day of my elementary school life or close to it from the teacher or princapal for acting up somehow.

In 7th grade i was at a pond by the freeway they were camping out someone had some pot and i smoked some it was great I dont know why the instant love but it was there. I became a pothound. and by 9th grade i was selling it to most of the high school dopefiends. Pot really gave me direction and i didnt hide anymore because if you wanted the best weed or the best deals you came to me. I had "lucked out" and had found a place to buy pounds of good weed on a front. I took it serious and soon didnt have to front any more and was the man.

I don't do drugs at all any more I quit because of my children I have no regrets actually i feel pretty damn empowered by the fact I am totally drug free I even quit smoking cigs.

Now i am staring out that window again. You might think it is easy to go outside and ask to play but it aint. It just aint gonna happen. I use my kids to be able to go to public places but i dont talk to anyone i just stand and watch the kids . I can be civil to other people then you know Hi and Bye and hows it going but thats the end of it. I have caught myself being stupid in class once and stopped it before i made a fool of myself Most of the time i am at school now i am trying to listen but mostly I am thinking just stay cool I will be able to leave in just a little bit screw these people u dont have to impress them and stuff like that It is hard to listen to the teacher for that crap going through my mind.
Math is my best subject because it is easy he gives homework i go hame and do it and the next day we get more homework

anyway i am just taking a long time to say It aint so easy to talk to someone even when i know they want bite me. You say just do it but it just aint gonna happen. the reason im so lonely is because i dont talk to anyone. That is what is so depressing. I dont know why i cant sleep or binge purge i guess those are seperate issues I probally really am plenty screwed up i will contaplate those demons later

so if i spam write someone who is nice to me i am truly sorry I am trying not to I promise i will not ever write someone with out being reponded to I am sorry if i offended any 1 by sending them huge letters this is the only commutication i get sorry i hope you understand