T is back from vacation, and I saw her yesterday. I hadn't told her last time about relapsing - only about needing to be more assertive, and gave other examples, not what I got upset about.

So, yesterday I told her about misusing the DBT Skills workbook and getting myself worked up and having a bad day - only hinted at actual SI. She's well aware of my history, but I normally let her believe that it is all history. I think I really understated it, though, because it didn't even seem like a big deal to me remembering it. Anyway, I guess I have a dysfunctional day or week or so every once in a while and act fine the rest of the time and it seems like nothing is wrong - even to me. I never believe that I can really be ok though - I just manage to maintain the act and usually can pull it off when I want to. I avoided the whole issue for the three weeks that T was gone (she wasn't actually gone quite that long, but that was how long between my appointments).

I feel rather fake, on both ends of it. Things can't be that bad since I manage almost all of the time. But it still feels like I'm just pretending at being functional most of the time. That seems like I'm hiding who I really am.

I need to get my DBT book out again and see if I can work at it without misusing the book.