This evening I decided to give up the "fight" of wanting my brother in my life. It is a "fight" that I will never win and it is making me feel unhealthy.

I find that reading a good book helps to clear my mind of unwanted thoughts and calms me down.

I have set some goals for myself this week that aren't too big or complex. Just simple things like getting out of my home and doing something. I think part of the reason I live such a private and isolated lifestyle is because of many reasons but one sticks out the most for me right now.

I have had 4 manic episodes during the past 10 years living at my current home. My manic episodes are extremely embarrassing to put it even mildly. I just snap in an instant to the manic phase. And these are some of the things that I remember doing and saying while manic:

> taking off all my clothes and walking around my parking lot dancing like a hyperactive 5 year old with not a care in the world.

> actually believing and wanting others to believe that I am related to the British Royal family and that Elton John is my biological father...etc.

> yelling in an abusive manner to any man I come across telling him that he abuses children sexually (sorry I cannot spell the actual term correctly).

> I have flashed my neighbours showing them my chest and bum area.

List goes on....

When I am manic I don't even realize what I am doing or saying is bizarre or illegal. When I am manic I think what I am doing and saying is normal.

So to make a long story shorter...I am paranoid whenever I leave my home that my neighbours are watching me, gossiping about me,...etc. I feel like hiding underneath a rock and inching my way to my car. And driving off like a ghost.

One male neighbour that I did accuse of sexually abusing children has never taken legal action against me or treated me poorly afterwards. He usually says hello to me and at Christmas sends me a Christmas card with a Christmas CD inside.

I just feel like freak and wonder what my neighbours must think of me. Hopefully some of them will realize that I wasn't drunk or high on illegal drugs...that it was a medical condition causing the bizarre behaviour.

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How do I calm myself down and feel safe going outside?