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I can't continue to feel this way. I just can't handle how crappy I am feeling. I have all different types of feelings, thoughts, and emotions going through me right now. It seems like nobody understands how bad I feel. I really hope this isn't the beginning of postpartum depression. I don't seem to want to get up to eat, all I can think about is sleeping because then I don't have to feel any of the emotions that are overwhelming me right now. My (adopted) mom seems to be wanting to help me, but it just isn't helping. I don't think that she realizies that this is serious and I need help. I am being transfered back to E.C.M.C tomorrow morning. I can't believe that I had the baby already. None of this feels real yet. I need these distressing feelings to go away soon before I end up exploding. I know that doing the open adoption is the right choice, but it feels so horrible knowing that I can't raise my own daughter. What good am I? What purpose do I serve on this earth? I miss her so much. I really wish that I could forget about her and just move on with my life. I love her and that is why I made the decision to do the open adoption in the first place. What I don't seem to understand is that everyone I know has told me that you can't love anyone else untill you love yourself, but I do love her. I am so freaking confused. I wish that someone could just knock me out of this misery now. My anxiety is so out of control that I have to be taking Klonopin every 4 hours so that I can stay in control, because I can so just fly of the handle right now and not even care. I am going to explode soon. I need to be my normal moody self not aggiatated. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am ready to scream. I am hanging on the edge by a thread and I don't know how much longer I can hang on before I fall.
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