Hi everyone,
thanks so much for replying to my post. To answer BillieJ's question, my ex-boyfriend was actually the nicest guy on earth. I pursue such a high stress career that sometimes I took the stress out on him, and he was always so patient with me. That's also why the affair hurts so much. It still hurts a lot of even think about. I hurt the most generous heart and soul, and there's no possible way to make up for it. So no, I cheated not because of him. I cheated because I was wrong. I was messed up. It was my fault and my problem alone. I had everything anyone would have asked for, and I sabotaged it.
Once again, I'm having everything anyone would have asked for. I feel so lucky to have the people I care about around me. I have friends who care so much for me. My family is always there for me. And even though I've hurt my boyfriend, a part of him still wants to be with me. When he says he's sorry and he loves me, I do believe it. I can't imagine how much pain he's in when he's torn between wanting to stay, but feeling like he wants to leave too because there's no trust in the relationship.
When he's not angry, he's really loving. I love to hear him talk about his dreams, all his childhood stories. I love his smile the most. That's why I cherish those moments when he's not mad, 'cause his smile is so bright. Sometimes I feel though, he doesn't smile as much as he should, and it's all because of me. And I get sad, that I'm the one causing all this.
And I feel selfish, for wanting him to stay with me.
I never thought of myself as being insecure though. Before all this happened, everyone around me think I was always so sure of who I am. This breaks me down so much, I'm not sure who I am anymore. I keep hanging on though. I keep telling myself "You're beautiful, no matter what anyone says"
I don't think I can go to a therapist. I don't have insurance, and I have to put my money toward tuition and rent hehe. I'm on college's budget.
Thank you everyone for being so nice. I was shocked when I saw my post too. It looked like my personal statement for school application haha. It was soo long, I would have been deterred from reading it
I'm trying to work on myself one thing at a time, hopefully one day I'll be worth it for their love.