Hi, I have not been around for quite some time now. I am not really sure why I so much seems to be going on with me, yet I feel so scared to communicate with others or even on the internet.

For example, today is my birthday, and there is a really kind thoughtful woman who live down the hall who is always doing really nice things for me such as bringing me meals on the weekends. I thank her over and over for the things she does for me. I have mostly been 'hiding' in my apartment for months now. Leaving the apartment only for doctor/T appoimtments. the Pharmacy, and to see my family once per week. When I do leave it is one time a day to go to the store to get my soda pop everyday then right back home.

Today my friend down the hall had me down as she had picked up fried chicken, cole slaw, and potato wedges after her morning job, It was the first place in months other than my mothers house I have been inside to visit. She even baked me a cake with my name on it.

Having Lunch at her home today and cake and ice cream tonight, and after returning home, I am still flooded with feelings of not 'deserving' of all she did for me. I have lost almost all social skills on so many levels. I am very grateful for the things she does and for giving me a meal and cake tonight.

I feel so anxious having been to someones house and feel like I am not worthy enough for all she did for me today. To the point of distress. I am so busy feeling like I am a bad person and have no problem helping others and doing for them only things like compiment's and treats are so difficult for me to recieve without feeling I am not good enough or dont deserve this treatment.

Yesterday some how I lost a day. I found out that I had been to walmart and the dollar store and had even given a person from the community mental health center a ride home and have tried to piece the day together and found out I had done all of these things. I then remember late afternoon my case worker coming for our appointment and I was sound asleep and I can not rember anything other than letting her in the apartment. I have no idea if we talked or what occured in the hour she was here. I am starting to believe she came in and I sat down and fell back asleep as I woke in the night with a package of pop tarts on my lap and back to sleep till 10AM this morning.

Im feeling very embarrased over not remembering days or conversations and how anxious I feel when others do or say nice things for me. I am just really trying to figure all of these things out.

My T says the OCD has me or some ways set in my mind of uncontrolable feelings of perfection and my expectations of self perfection in result cause me to be depressed and feeling that nothing no matter how hard I try is ever right. That nothing I do is good enough as I alway leave a social situation feeling I have did or said the wrong things and worry non stop over the situation. Im sorry I am just really emotionally and mentally struggling and I am not sure what all of this is other than so many things that are distressing me daily. I am putting forth effort on my part and I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to be more positive. I want to come back here and start posting again, even when my mind lies to me of thoughts of being not worthy.

Thank you if you took the time to read all of this. It was very difficult to admit all of these things and I am trying to better myself. I thank every one again. Chris