Thank you all so much (((((Catherine2, dps, darylb41, Rohag & Berries))))). Thanks for even risking looking at my post. I know you all care and support me - I know that all of my PC family cares and supports me - I would have already "broken" if it weren't for finding this PC family - my true family - my true brothers and sisters.
I almost feel guilty about posting all of this mess and exposing any of you to this drama and trauma - believe me, what I have written here and in my one other post about all of this is just the tiniest tip of the "mountain." I feel the same way y'all do - I look at the whole thing and am speechless. I am STILL SHAKING - CAN'T STOP SHAKING - HAVEN'T STOPPED SHAKING since I wrote the post. That's the problem - that's what is SO frustrating. I KNOW I have the intelligence, skills, etc., to do this - but every single time I try to work on any aspect of it myself, I freeze - I become paralyzed - it's like I go into shock, my BP drops and I'm freezing cold - can't get warm even wrapped in a blanket and all I do is shake - then comes the nausea, blurred vision, stuttered speech, etc. - can't think, can't breathe, can't type, can't function - it's like the mountain falls on me - I KNOW it's triggering the PTSD and depression. I KNOW the techniques - breaking things down into smaller pieces - I have been trying for 4 months to send one letter requesting my medical records from one doctor here who I know also has my Michigan records - I will have to pay for them, but so be it since I can't trust these doctors to be honest with me, and this doctor is in the same group practice as my mother's doctor. I also know that this doctor can refuse to send them to me - and she and my other ex-doctors know that they are putting themselves in legal jeopardy if they do let me have them. I have to have them or soon all of my 20 years worth of Michigan records are going to disappear forever. The DA's office said they would look into it if I filed an official complaint and wrote out the story - so did some other state and federal regulatory agencies; and, OF COURSE, I should write letters to my Michigan doctors - BUT I CAN'T DO IT - I CAN'T COMPLETE ANY OF IT WITHOUT FALLING APART!! I have been trying to do this for the PAST 8 YEARS!
I have literally hundreds of pages of documentation in my computer and stacks of other documentation that proves I am telling the truth and my family members have lied - organizing it all is the problem. I have more than a photographic memory - I remember every single conversation verbatim, every single detail of everything that has happened - this "thread-in-my-head" is 10+ years long and every single bit of it is in my mind - try to access any one part of it and the entire file opens - such a mind is both a gift and a curse. And if I have such an "incredibly high IQ" as I have tested and as all my past psychs and teachers and professors and employers have told me, then why can't I figure out how to deal with this and how to do this despite the PTSD and the depression????? Over the past 8 years, I have called attorneys, the ACLU, the Anti-Defamation League - even Dr. Phil - I guess most folks just cannot or do not want to believe that something like this could happen to anyone - I guess it's too scary - too overwhelming. HA! They should see it from this side! Nevertheless, I must KEEP TRYING!
Since I am hypersensitive and have had allergic reactions to just about every med there is, I cannot take any meds to help me deal with it all and, of course, I have no T or pdoc now - I have to figure out how to do this myself. All of the hospitals and doctors in this area are part of the same system (Texas Health Resources) and most of them graduated from the same medical school. I would literally have to travel to another state to get medical care. I am terrified of going to the ER - all it would take is one little injection of an antibiotic or any number of other seemingly harmless meds and I am dead within seconds - literally.
Past psychs have told me that I have the same profile as long-term POWs from my family's abuse - and being isolated and ostracized, having my trust betrayed over and over again like this for the past 8-10 years is like being a prisoner and being tortured all over again. Like my brother said the last time I talked to him in December of 2006, "You got away before, but you're not going to escape this time. Your worst nightmare has finally come true." Of course, he wants everyone to believe that I have "dementia" and suffer from "delusions" and "hallucinations" so he can deny verbally and psychologically abusing me - so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his misbehavior and dysfunction. All he ever wanted was control over my share of the inheritance in our mother's will by any means necessary and at any cost to me - and he finally got it in 2007 - he had to destroy my life to do it, but no matter as long as he gets what he wants.
I have got to find a way to depersonalize all of this - to be distant from it - to be cold, clinical, analytical -
I need to find my Phoenix within me - I need it to rise up out of the smoke and ashes of all of this vicious abuse, pain, rejection, betrayal, injustice, greed, apathy, selfishness, arrogance, and ignorance -
I wrote the following on October 14, 1988:
"THE PHOENIX"
My Life is a Gaping Wound
A Bloody Gash to the Bone
Severed Tissue, Muscle, and Nerve -
A SCREEEAAM OF PAIN!
My Heart is a Throbbing Bruise
Purple and Black from the Beating
Weak from the Bleeding
My Mind is an Open Grave
Filled with Dying that never Dies -
Unmarked, Untended, Unvisited
My voice is a Wail and a Moan
As the Wind passes through the Tear in my Soul
Carrying away pieces of the Fabric -
Unraveling the Threads - grazing the Bone
Legs crushed from Standing My Ground
Arms twisted from Hanging On
Back broken from Carrying My Own Weight
Teetering on.....
the Verge of Tears.....
the Brink of Madness.....
the Edge of Despair.....
"THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE!!!"
They were expecting someone else when I arrived -
'The Unworthy, The Unwanted, The Unloved'
was My Christening
But from the Ashes of their Shunning And the Smoke of their Contempt
I Will Conjure Wings to Soar Far Beyond this Abyss
********************
I guess what I really need to do, My Dear Friends, is to tuck MY INNER CHILD in bed, and
GET IN TOUCH WITH MY INNER (W)ITCH!!!
(
she even intimidates me!)
Thanks for letting me work through this with all of you.
__________________
"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser for all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")