Mark, forgiveness is what you give to someone who has wronged you and is repentant. So, while love may be quick to forgive, allowing someone to hurt you who has no intention of stopping is not forgiveness.

Also, your wife's contention that since she will not leave, then you would be responsible if the marriage broke up is just wrong. Think of it this way...if a man was beating his wife, and she left him, *he* is still the one responsible for the marriage failing, not her. And while this may sound over the top, in my opinion your wife's behavior constitutes abuse. It actually follows the classic abuse pattern...she does something that she knows hurts you, yet she tries to make it seem like it is an appropriate way to behave (the equivalent of an abuser saying "you asked for it"). It is also very common for abusers to refuse to go to counselling because they realize that a counselor will very likely say that they should stop their pattern of abuse.

If her behavior hurts you, there is no reason you should have to accept it. You are perfectly justified in telling her that you cannot accept what she is doing, and that you will not stay with her unless she makes certain changes. Whether this means returning to counselling, being completely faithful, or whatever, you will have to determine. If she refuses, then it is she who ended the marriage, not you.

You may find that seeing a counsellor on your own will help you sort out what you want to do, and how you want to approach it. It is very difficult to deal with an abuser, and a professional can offer excellent guidance.

Good luck,
mj