Dear Katileena,You say you built your self esteem on other people's reactions. I did the same thing, running to my very supportive mother with all the things that I wrote. All my school years, I worked to make straight A's and all my work life I worked to be the best and hardest worker, all for praise from others. I guess we never learned how to reward ourselves. I know about alcohol and such for escape and false feelings of being great and relieving pain. I still have a long way to go, but I have learned that everyone has self-esteem issues, and the way to be attractive to them is to make them feel attractive and to stop worrying about being attractive ourselves. Other-centeredness is attractive to others and also works to make us forget about ourselves. Caring About You ~ billieJ