I don't know if you're still reading this post anymore, but I feel like you're wanting this other man to want you, and that's the reason why you want to make your life better. But it shouldn't, you should want to make yourself a better person because of you, because of the people in your life that you care about, and who cares for you. I can imagine how difficult it is to be in your position. I cheated too, on my ex-boyfriend. After the affair, I was always angry with everyone and took it out on the people around me. I blamed school, and stress, and them, but really, the whole time, I was angry with myself. I didn't go the healthy way in healing from it. I knew why I cheated, and it was not an excuse. The problem is within me. But at least I knew the circumstances to stay away from. Knowing that, I was so disgusted I keep telling myself "This did not happen, this did not happen, I am not a bad person" just to cope.
I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful guy. Everyday, I reflect on how lucky I am to be loved and able to love my boyfriend, my close friends, and my family. But I keep making mistakes after mistakes, I lied to my boyfriend about the affair. Even though I cheated on my ex, and not him, I should have forgiven myself so I can admit my mistake and tell the truth. But I couldn't. Our trust is broken, and he is torn between wanting to stay and wanting to leave me. I'm completely heartbroken. I'm still too young and immature to accept my mistakes. I'm working on it now. So I hope you'll be able to find your way for you, so you can be happy, so you can give all you can give to your husband, and your children. They are the best gifts in your life, please don't take it for granted.