You know what has been going through my mind? I am wondering how I can die and survive. To find ways of doing damage to kill, yet live.

My habits progressively change, but each serves the same purpose, but with different intent. Does that make sense to you? I'm not sure if you will understand.

I have no more Vicodin. Instead, last night I took 13 or 15 Tylenol, plus some propranolol and my regular meds. It didn't do enough, it's not fast enough, or good enough. I could still feel. What I want to feel is the damage being done. There is a song I think of that says "...you bleed just to know you are alive..."

I really don't think I belong working right now. I need to relax more and be able to "live". Right now this "life" is killing me.

I feel so much right now: anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, frustration. It is in regard to everything. I am tired of fighting.