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My habits progressively change, but each serves the same purpose, but with different intent. Does that make sense to you? I'm not sure if you will understand.

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Yes, that makes sense, and is an observation that I make over and over, regarding myself and others. The method isn't so relevant (substances, eating behavior, SI, putting yourself in high-risk situations ...) as the reasons behind it. My habits change too. If I let go of cutting, something else comes up to fill the gap - eating behavior, negative thoughts, excessive exercise, lately workaholism. All ways to exist - to get through life and distract myself from who I am, to cope with (or get rid of) feelings that I don't want to deal with.

Do you like to read? A book that helped me to understand this is Women Who Hurt Themselves , by Dusty Miller. She talks about what she calls "Trauma Reenactment Syndrome," and explains that we keep re-enacting patterns that we have learned. People from your past may become internalized as part of you. There is a part whose role is to be a victim. Another part is an abuser. Still another one is a non-protecting bystander, which was the hardest part of this for me to comprehend, but it's there. That's the part of you that knows it isn't ok for you to be hurt, but doesn't step up and object or prevent you from being hurt again. That part of you can learn to speak up and become a "protective presence" that does step in and intervene when the part of you that wants to hurt you is being abusive again.

Take care of yourself, dear Inky. You deserve better than this. You deserve not to be hurt in any way. You deserve peace in your life and the ability to be happy and enjoy life in a healthy way.