I think that in reality he wants me to give his voice mail a break and that the only way to accomplish that might be to put me under the watchful eye and safety of a hospital. It *would* give him a break. But I don't think I can do that right now. Yeah, the med I am on right now hasn't worked since I received the emails from my ex's girlfriend. But give me a new med(s) and who's to say that I won't double-up on that, too? Going to a hospital for an evaluation doesn't mean I will tell them everything either! I did some "pharmaceutical research" while I was online earlier then went to the store, so I am a little high right now. I didn't tell my T what I took but that it was over-the-counter, so he is definitely unsure about that. I have abused the guy so much--his voice mail/pager number. I really, really owe him. I don't know what I can do to repay him for doing that to him. Okay, I get impulsive. That's how I seek attention, how I cope and more. It's hard to come out and say "I need help." So I get obnoxious. I have an appointment on Monday. Would it be odd to take my T flowers to "make up" for what I have put him through? I hate doing it to people and annoying them with voice mails, emails and the like, but it serves a purpose for the moment so I do it. I think my T knows that I probably won't be going to the hospital for an eval and med adjustment. I told him that it's new to me and he seemed to understand. I can't wait till Monday for the appointment. I am going to be so embarrassed! But so relieved to finally be there. We talked for a FAST 27 minutes on the phone tonight. I had finally left him a message that if he had a magic wand, I could use it--I'd take it and offered my phone number. At the end of the call he asked what am I going to do tonight--I said try not to bug him too much. He was looking for me saying that I wouldn't take/do anything, maybe I'd go for the eval, etc. I didn't make any promises, though. I walked over a mile to be online right now and brought some "supplies" with me. I didn't drive. I have some sense about me not to do that. I wish I could be in a room with all of you in real life, in a great big, long hug.