So, she moved yesterday and left her room trashed. My youngest is very upset that she abandoned her family and that she has not called her. Tonight she was sad and quiet and we got a call from friends and went boating and swimming and had a good time. It was good for her. She wants so much to be a grown up right now, post highschool and leave home and try some things before college. She is fragile and I don't want her too far away. My friend who is 6 feet plus pulled her off the boat to swim with us. It was all good. it's about being present and having joy in the moment.

I went to the dentist today. I had not been for a long time because we owed this one practice $1,000. When hubby cashed in his retirement we paid bills and that was one. i have been walking around with a fractured tooth and crown and crazy gluing it. Speak of poverty. Well, he pulled the rest of the tooth today, a new dentist that knows about poverty and such. It was not painful. I think I have a great pain tolerance but what was funny and I now see as an anxiety response is the hot flashes and nausea. It felt like he should have put his foot on my head and pulled, talk about pressure. Anyway, I have stiches and this weird thing under them that tastes funny. Hubby made me eggs. it was the only thing I could think of that was the least bit attractive. And I never eat eggs.

Anyway, I am feeling like I have wasted about 25 years of my life doing foster care and adopting this kid. I feel like our lives have become too complicated and I want to simplify.

I am getting rid of "stuff" all of the time now. No needless belongings, less work, more play. I frreecycled daughter's entertainment center and two dressers. I want to not have clutter and junk. Somehow that will make me feel more calm.

My son was rude to me on the phone and I told him he could not speak to me in that way. My T has been trying to teach me that. I was so proud.

The youngest had her first comprehensive appointment with new doc, (my doc) today and she was great. She recommended EMDR but the t she is seeing does not do it. I don't know what in which direction we should head because she has OCd and we need to do the exposure and response prevention but she also has a locked up trauma.

Life is so complicated.

The biggest thing that i am practicing is being here now, in the moment. I really want to find joy and comfort.