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theotterone · Oct 02, 2009, 04:11 PM

There seems to be two schools of thought when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex, especially when one or both are married. One is it is ok to have friends of the opposite sex and hang out with them. The other is there is no way to keep it platonic, that sex will always be involved. Personally, I believe in the first.

(One disclosure, I have said in more than one forum my husband (D) and I have issues we are working on. My marriage is not perfect and I know it, this is just my opinion based on my experience being with him for 12 years.)

When D and I got together, his best friend (up until a year ago, different story) was a woman he had been best friends with for over 15 years. They had an INTIMATE history. She was married when we got together. She had an "open" marriage, but it didn't involve us one way or another. It took me years to be comfortable with the friendship and required a lot of trust in D. I had no trust in her, as she had shown her true colors multiple times. One of those was offering D sex while I was in a high-risk pregnancy with our oldest daughter!

I ended up believing that D would always come home to me, there was a reason it hadn't worked out between the two of them in the first place. This of course is my point of view regarding a friendship that had started long before I came along...

On the flip side (yeah, I know this is long...

), my best friend is a male coworker of mine. We have been good friends for a year. Every Friday night I go to his place after work and hang out with him and his son (and his girlfriend, but again, different story). This Friday night "ritual" was actually recommended by D as my BF's son has developmental issues, and regularity is something he needs. I see my BF every day at work (though he leaves 2 1/2 hours before me), we email and message during the weekend. I have not shown/told D everything we talk about because, frankly, it isn't his business. However, they have met, hung out, and I have made the boundries clear with everyone involved. Everyone understands my own family comes first, but there is room in my/our lives and hearts for my BF and his family. I have also made it clear to D that there is no sexual attraction for my BF or me. So he is good with the friendship.

In the end, this is a trust thing. Do you trust your husband? You have a right to question the depth of his friendship, but realize that he will not disclose ALL, but he should be pretty open about the friendship. You also have the right to listen to your instincts. If it feels "wrong", it could be a red flag. Don't be afraid to ask. I hope this helps!