Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys
Why am I sad? After all of this crap he's put me through, all the tears, all the nights being terrified from certain things, all the pain... Why am I sad? What is wrong with me? It's so frustrating, what kind of a person am I to miss such a man?
Now I'm making excuses for him but I can't help it!
Always making excuses... So with everything he's done, every fight every broken item, every ounce of pain... How can I be sad?
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PFM...
Why do you think that you shouldn't be sad?
You are grieving over what was and what could have been...there is nothing wrong with you. These are intense feelings you are working through, and I applaud your honesty in sharing about your confusion.
Making excuses? Perhaps it's closer to grappling with reasons for his behavior. Trying to make sense of what has happened, the why of it, and knowing in your heart that there is no reason that gives him the right to abuse you in any form...Any.
Whenever we step out of our comfort zone, it's scary. That comfort zone may be a painful and awful place to be; it is still familiar, though.
Recognizing that your comfort zone has become increasingly dangerous for you and your daughter is not something that happened over night. Jmo, but you had to dig deep within yourself to make the decision to change it...
Posting here about your mixed emotions is good for you to do, others are sharing what has worked for them and have given you encouragement and insight...
No one has said it would be easy, only that it is worth it.
Think about this...would you rather be struggling to make that change to a better life for you and your daughter
or staying with him and endangering both of you?
Does endangering sound harsh? I make no apology for saying it. Staying with an abusing spouse can escalate very quickly...
Your daughter...how sad it would be for her to grow up thinking that it was all right for Daddy to hit Mommy, then get into the same type of abusive hell because she didn't know any better...had no frame of reference for what a healthy relationship should be.
Her chances of doing that are greater than the chances that she won't...
Re the strength? It's already there...you've been strong enough to get through his abuse, right? You are strong enough to get through walking away from it.
It's time to ride it out, PFM.
You have people here and in real life that are going to do their best to walk with you through this...but you have to take the first step.
Love yourself enough to do it.
In Peace