((((ThePainNeverDies)))) Sorry you are so hard on yourself, this is not you and you most likely know that. This is your illness getting the better of your mind. Not sure if you have ever tried this but you might want to print out your post here and share it with your doctor. We sometimes come here and explain things better than we do in person. This may not work for you but it does help me. Hope you get to feeling better soon. Hugs for your day.