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VickiesPath · 12:13 PM

I've always suspected that my bipolar started as a child. But I could never find much in the research I read to support it. Now, I discovered DocJohn's material on this site regarding childhood bipolar and that the psychiatric community can't agree whether bipolar really does begin in chldhood or if it is ADHD most of the time. I think that it's unfortunate that the DSM-IV doesn't include a diagnosis for childhood bipolar. This means that it's difficult to get meds paid for. Does anyone know if this is changing?

Well, if they took more adults with adult bipolar illness and studied them, I am sure they would find that they can provide evidence of bipolar symptoms dating back to early childhood as far as the person can remember. They could also get input from the patient's parent. But in my case, it's a little late cuz my parents are dead.

I want to get this down on paper so I apologize if it's a boring read. I always knew I was the odd one in my family. It's really not hard to tell. Being one of four children, I'm the only one who stood out as far as behavior when we were young. I was so difficult for my mother to discipline but I also was very smart, both intelligence and schoolwork. None of us were necessarily slow, but I was the brightest. Also, I was a terror! I exhibited all the characteristics of the bipolar child....exteme temper tantrums at all ages, delusional thinking, insomnia, expansive mood, sadness, lack of interest in play, explosive rages, separation anxiety (this continued into upper grade school age), defiance of authority, hyperactivity, excessive involvement in multiple projects, lack of concentration, precociousness, and rapid mood swings. My mother was constantly at a loss as to how to handle all of this.

My self-esteem suffered because it was so hard for my mother to show love to me because deep down, I just knew she hated me. That's how she acted. In contrast, my younger sister was the little darling. This feels so pathetic even saying it.

After so many years of living with this curse, I have to admit that now, I wish with all my heart that I could simply put it out of my mind. I know why things were the way they were. Then why can't I just let it go? I find it won't go away and is causing depression. Now that I know what caused my behavior, I expect to just be able to move on and live my life. Instead, I find that I am grieving the life I didn't have. This is really upsetting! I"m the first person to realize that it doesn't make sense to grieve something one never had. So why am I feeling this way? I guess that's something I'll ask T on Monday.