Thank you for responding ((((((((Sleeps, _Sky, Wise, Flutter, mytime, Schatze, Petunia))))))),

I really appreciate your support & helping me realize that grieving will happen in its own time. It really helps to know that there are others who go through the crying issues that I have been experiencing. It seems that tears are just so hard to let out when anyone is around that might see it as a weakness.

I know I haven't been around...seem like isolating is all that I am able to do for the time being. I am trying to keep everything out of my mind right now except for those things that hit me over the head. I am trying mostly to keep my horse riding & practicing for the dressage show at the top of my priority. Memorizing the 40 + patterns in both of the tests is a little unnerving since my mind isn't working very well. It seems that even while isolating that my mind lets other things in. The London bombings are a hit over the head also, bringing back to the 9/11 feelings.

I don't know if it is just because I am so uptight that everything my husband does or says he is going to do but doesn't do, is really setting me off. I just can't stand to be around him & stupidly, I allow him to set off anxiety attacks inside me. It is to the point that the only way for me to keep my sanity is to close myself in my room. Who would think with a 5 bedroom, 2500 sq foot home that I would have to close myself into a room....seems like he owns the rest of the house & I can't go anywhere he isn't.

I think what bothers me the most about the situation I'm in is that until I can get the issues surrounding my Mother under control, it is hard to finish off my Mothers estate & get that house sold. Until that is finished, it is almost impossible to get into the divorce issues, selling our house & paying off the debt. Then to top that all off, physically, I am really not doing well & the heat of the desert summer just really does me in.

The one good part of isolating is that I can let out the tears because no one will see me & only I will know how weak I feel. I really wish there was a switch in my mind that could just turn it off....memories, thoughts of the past & future issues. I am trying hard for the next few days to only have one thing on my mind.....hopefully it works. I have my last riding lesson this evening before the show....hopefully that will be the main thing on my mind from that point on. The worse part of these shows is that they take so much out of me physically & mentally that I am pretty much toast for the week after that. I am physically so low right now & so underweight but my determination is sooooo high. This is the first time I have ridden at this level of showing that is it really going to ge a challange.

I even bought my horse & beautiful new bridle with a royal blue chrystal headbrow to show in. Luckily I found out that he sticks his head up in the air when I use a flash around his nose, so took that off the bridle so I wouldn't be fighting that. He was looking so good until I put on the new bridle...I was afraid it was something I was doing with the reins or the new bridle itself that was causing the problem...luckily it was just that small leather band that could be taken off. It is amazing how sensitive a horse can be.....I guess he is just like his mom. I also spent hours yesterday with Izzy. I needed to feel all that love that not so little filly has to give me. I am amaized at how much she is attached to me & what a feeling of love I have when I am with her.

I also got a chance to talk with my daughter yesterday & we were able to talk about some of the issues with my Mother. I love her so much now that we are on a different basis that Mother, daughter in the same home. She did remind me that we both thought that the cancer had spread to my Mothers brain & that was why she wasn't able to even think about the concept of love. It gave me a chance to tell my daughter how much I really love her considering the past we went through.

Thank you all again for your responses. I really appreciate all of your support,
Debbie