God, first of all I will awpoligize becuase Im not sure all of this is going to make sence but I need to rant I think :/... So Im going to do it anyway!!

I dont know what to do anymore.... Im stuck..... Everything seems so hard.... The thing is, some of this is going to be hard to explain becuase you lot dont know my "full" story!! I suppose I could just tell you :/.... But then I think it would be in the wrong place..... But I suppose if it is in the wrong place then it will just get moved :/..... Well here we go any way.... [[TPND at least you know everything after this]]

Right most of it started at age 5, I had started school the year before, and had meet 2 kids that lived next door to me.... Which was great because I could got with them to school and they where in my classes so it was all good.... I never really fitted in at school.... Something about me always made me the odd one out..... Thats when the bullying started.... I was "bigger" then the other kids so I was the fat one... Even tho I could run faster then them and stuff I still wasnt good enough to fit in.... So I suppose thats where some of my eating problem came from..... I used to go round next doors a lot.... And there mum just to work late so we where there with there dad..... I used to say over a lot.... I wish I never had.... There dad used to like well.... Come get me at like 2 in the morning when there mum was working night shifts..... And take me downstairs or into his room.... He used to do things to me.... To begin with it wasnt anything big just like touching and stuff..... But as I got older it got worse... In the end he used to hit me if I said I didnt want to do it or no.... He used to tell me that I wasnt allowed to tell anyone because he would hit me harder and it was a special little secret..... I used to have to go home and tell my mum and dad that I feel over at school to explain to brusies and cuts..... Mum and dad believed me but that wasnt there fault they werent to know..... The bully carried on at school.... So on brake times I used to find a coner and sit on my own.... Sometimes the other kids would come over and pick on me and threw things at me call me names..... I would never go to the canteen at brake because all the other kids keep calling me fat...... At 11 like any other kid in the UK I when to High school.... I thought maybe t school things would change..... But they never did..... I still didnt fit in..... They still called me fat.... But being in high school the bullying was a bit more pyhical...... I used to get beaten up on the way home from school.... I was never very good at anything at school... So I was the dumb blonde to.... So I used to sit on my own and everything that I was used to.... The sexual abuse if that is what it is called didnt stop..... That was still going on..... But I was used to it all by know..... At the age of 12 I started cutting...... People where still calling me fat.... Because some people from my primry school went to my high school so they carried on.....In my second from last year I meet my boyfriend..... We didnt start going out till I was 16, Which is when I moved him with him..... And my sexual abuse stopped....... At 16 I was looking after my boyfriends 2 children and runnnig a house.... at 16 and a half... I joined the army and joined to become a army field medic..... I also trainned to be a sharp shooter..... I was in the army until I was 18 when I came out on injury leave because of a knee injury..... And everything is worse know then before I when in....... Ive come home to my boyfriend.... And getting married soon.... But the 2 kids are not helpping matters.... They do not like that fact that daddy has a girlfriend and they are not the only ones he loves anymore..... Which I can understand Im a evil cow I get it..... But sometimes I wish they would just give me a break...... A lot of what has happened in my life I most likely desreved.... But the one thing I didnt deserve was to loss as many friends as I did when I was in the army...... But that I suppose was not my fault.... Even tho it feels it sometimes..... My cutting has slowed down a bit..... But my eating well thats a different story..... That has gone... Well stupid..... Im making lists of food in the house so I can take them with me to know what to eat and what not to eat.... Im keeping a food diary so I can keep a eye on what Im eating.... Im p*ssed off with myself at the min because I havent lost wieght....... I want to get to my target but Im failing like Ive done in everything soooo far..... Im messing up everything..... The main thing that is keeping me going at the min is that fact that I can not wait to get back to Kavos in may to see all my friends and get back to work..... I made a promise to a friend out there and I will keep it!! Not matter what it costs, or takes to do it........ But one thing I will say to you lot.... Is you can read my story and think oh **** she has been though a lot.... But I havent.... There will always be someone worse off then me.... Its just at the min.... All of this is making it hard for me to get up in the morning...... I cant stand looking at myself in the mirror.... Im everything I hate.... And Im doing my best to chage that but people are saying that Im fine the way I am.... But isnt that for me to deside isnt it for me to say when Im fine or not..... When I can look at myself in the mirror and not want to be sick over it then thats fine.... At the min Im not fine..... No where near fine!!!

I really think I should stop writing know..... Other wise its going to take you lot hours to read it :/...... Sometimes tho its just easier for me to type my feeling then it is to say them to anyone........ I used to be scared of my story.... But now I know that it all happened because I desreved it all!!