I have always had a problem with low self-esteem, Rapunzel. I'm 54 now, but still remember while in a very young, preschool age, probably 3 or 4 years old, my dad telling my mom, "You're going to give her an inferiority complex!" after she did something...can't remember what! Her abuse, hitting me daily, continued well thru my college years. The last time it happened, I was in my second or third year of college, sitting in front of the bedroom mirror, combing my hair, in anticipation of my high school sweetheart coming to visit. He had long hair, and was a hippie type. She was ranting, "What are the neighbors going to think?" to which I replied, "Mom, I don't CARE what the neighbors think." That resulted in being beaten over the head severely by her blows. After that, the next day, I told her bluntly, if she ever did that to me again, I would never return home (I was attending college away from home.).
Though we both grew up in impoverished conditions in the coalfields of WV, my high school sweetheart eventually went on to Harvard, and is now a judge and mediation lawyer, living in Boston. Even now, we still email daily. Only now, am I finding the courage to go to college and attain my Master's degree, at the same time doubting my skills and ability, due to low self-esteem.
I even remember being "shaken" severely as a toddler. I should also add, that the one instance of my dad commenting on the "inferiority complex" issue is the only time I ever remember him intervening in any way. Had he done so, I might have developed differently.
The longterm ramifications of this has been a lifetime of struggle for me, as I know it must be for many of you here. I have never had a successful and happy relationship with a man. At my age now, I doubt I ever will, though my nature is loving and generous.
I am proud to state that I raised my own daughter in a totally different way, and we have a wonderful relationship. Never hitting her, but resorting to loving reason. Perhaps that is my greatest success.
Loving thoughts,
Seeker