I just discovered this site. I've never done this so I hope I'm doing it right. I don't know where to post so I just started at the Top. I have so much I want to write, but I can't think straight. There is so much info, should I reveal or not. I don't want anyone to be mean or harsh to me here. I want to talk,but I'm scared. I have no one to talk with around me.
I'm very upset. I just feel like no one wants to hear me and need to talk so badly. Okay, I'm gonna try...Diagnosis- Adult ADHD, Bipolar...(so far). Trying meds. Reading books. Counseling. Psychiatrist. etc. The other night I was sitting around with my husband (okay, so you know I'm a girl) and one of my very best friends (who happens to be a guy). Somehow we got to discussing issues about all of this stuff I'm going through. I've never ever felt comfortable telling anyone all of the stuff in my head, not even hubby. I've finaaly come to a place in life where I feel like I can be a normal person someday. I just wanted to share with them some breakthroughs I had last week, because I was feeling so much better. Then they jumped all over me and told me that there was nothing wrong with me. They said that if it made me feel good to go to a doctor and take meds. then do it, but the whole thing is in my head. They said everyone has problems (duh!) and everyone is scattered brained, they just don't dwell on it. They said I needed to just decide that life is no bed of roses and wake up and decide to be happy. My two closest and favorite people in the world (other than my parents) told me that I wasn't "crazy" and that those psychologists are just telling me what I want to hear so they can get a paycheck. They said I was dwelling on stupid stuff, and that if they were me they wouldn't be telling all the stuff I'm revealing because someone might try to come put me in a nuthouse. I just got up and left them sitting there. Right now I'm hurt and confused and feel abandoned because my husband is not willing to even try to understand. I have no job because I've been raising 3 small kids for the past 6 years and now my youngest will start to school next year. That's the whole reason I went for help in the first place. I've had this deep dark secret emotional prob in my head since I was about 12. And I feel crippled, like I can't function like normal people. I can't hold a job because I'm always late, or often I get such a horrible feeling that I'm going to scream or yell or cry or suffocate when I have to be somewhere. So I just run out. It's humiliating. I'm a perfectionist. I've dealt with depression all my life. I graduated with honors and was so scared of making a wrong decision that after 5 years of college and about 8 majors, I gave up and got married. See, I'm rambling. All I know is that because of what they said, I want to run. My home has always been my refuge, my comfort, my hideout and I feel like I cna't be myself here anymore. I'm humiliated, because I finally got the courage to admit to 2 trusted men in my life that not only am I not perfect, but I've had all these crazy things in my brain all my life, and they foo fooed me. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I can't go anywhere cause I've got to take care of the kids and I have no money (housewife). Now I'm just going to have to act like everything is okay and try to pretend I got it together in front of hubby again, like I done for 7 years. Now when I thought I could trust to be myself I've learned...not so. This is horrible because I've started noticing a lot of similarities in my 6yr old and 5 yr old of the mood swings and ADD that I've always struggled with. The oldest child is starting to realize I'm DEFECTIVE. I have not talked about any of this in front of her and she asked me the other day was I ADD and why do I get crazy acting? Everyone close to me is making me feel like a SILLY RABBIT. You're silly for thinking somethings wrong, you're really lazy and stupid. Okay I can't write anymore because I'm so depressed and I'm afraid someone is going to reply to this that it;s too scattered or long. BYE