Again on this issue. Ftt gave me an assignment to write a no-send letter to dt. The reason being closure with her. We came to the decision that a one-way closure was the best that I could do because her reaction, which is pretty predicable, will trigger me to feel even worse about myself and what went on there.

I spent some time on this letter today. I have been putting it off all week. I kept thinking I was supposed to write some kind of first draft of a real letter I would send. Forget that. I started off that way and I couldnt get a single thought down. Then I began writing how I was feeling and it flowed out of me into 6 1/2 pages (on Word). There is no way I would send any of this to her. I even referred to a couple of previous posts of mine here on PC. I was writing incident after incident about what she did, how I felt blah blah blah. She did this, she did that, bad, bad dt. After I got out as much as I could remember, I had one of those AH-HA moments. The specifics dont really matter anymore. It started to seem ridiculous that Id have these feelings toward her. Love, intense love, disappointment, deep deep hurt and sadness. Lonliness, shame and fear. Anger. It became apparent to me that I transferred the feelings I had toward my mother onto her. Even down to the smallest detail. Idealizing the outside life my mother seemingly had (who wasnt home very often, always busy with her life, but abusive when she was home) and wondering what she could be doing. I dont have a need to send desk t a letter with each incident and how I felt. Even if I did use examples of what she did and how I felt, I know she did what she did according to who she is and how she conducts therapy.
How I felt was triggered by her style and her manner. And it was a bad fit theraputically. There, that is the letter I need to write. It took me 6 1/2 pages and numerous hours at my laptop to write those 2 lines.

In the end, I'll probably come up with something in the middle. She did a lot of weird things, untheraputic things, but in the end it is about what it brought up for me. And who she became for me. I (must have) had a very painful relationship with my mother. Still, I dont remember it, or her very much, but my feelings are very clealy there.

Sigh......