Very good suggestion Michele! I did find it very helpful to write things out.

Melinda - Changing your attitude and reactions (that are NOT related to your depression) is as simple or as difficult as you make it. You've fallen into destructive patterns that make you miserable, but it's what you know and therefore comfortable. Having a negative attitude "I can't do this" will become a self fullfilling prophecy.

I'm not trying to belittle the what it takes to change those destructive behaviors. I struggled for YEARS with anger issues. What I discovered was that I really did have a choice. When something happens that grates on my nerves, I have a choice. I can either get worked up and angry which creates a domino effect of misery for everyone involved or I can let it go. Now some things are definately worth fighting for, but MOST of the little relationship fights (that escalate) are not.

The only behavior you can change is your own. PERIOD. Before you can be in a loving, healthy relationship, you've got to be comfortable in your own skin. It does not sound like you feel very comfortable or secure. Therefore you're projecting your own fears and insecurities onto him, and he's more than likely confused as hell. This leads to the next problem, then the next.

The underlying problem, I think, is currently him not working. This economy stinks. It's not easy to relocate for reasons other than employment and get a job. But what is his past history? Has he always worked? If so he will again, and once he does that problem will go away, but the issue at the core will remain.

We've traveled a circle back to you, if you're not happy, if you're not secure, if you're not comfortable with who YOU are. There literally is not a thing he (or anyone) can do to make you these things.

If you learn to figure out what YOU need to be secure, you can help him make you feel more secure by communicating EXACTLY what it is that you need from him. In my layman's opinion, by saying you feel he deserves someone better, what you're trying to say to him is "make me feel like I'm the best there is, prove to me you love me". But unless you feel you ARE the best thing for him, there is really nothing he can say or do to prove this to you.

I'm not trying to rationalize him saying hurtful, mean things. This is NOT acceptable and he needs to learn to get his needs met without resorting to this. But I have to confess in my youth this was one of the tools I frequently used, for a combination of reasons. Some of them were 1) If I said these things to my husband and he still loved me, then he REALLY loved me 2) If I was able to hurt him that much, then he really loved me 3) I was REALLY hurt and angry and misery loved company. He who caused the most pain won. I won a LOT.

BUT and this is the motherlode of but's, are the things he's saying intended to be hurtful (again, when I was in that mode, my goal was to cause pain)? Could this be yet another example of a communication issue gone terribly wrong? In the wrong frame of mind, even a compliment can be taken as an insult. If he were to say for example "you look very beautiful today" you can take that in the spirit it was given, or you can put a sinister spin on it. Oh, I usually look like crap, he's found someone else and he's trying to hide it, or whatever you're feeling insecure about. You can only hold him accountable for what he actually does.

Your theory on his wrestling really hit home to me. When I used to wack my husband on the arm it IS because I was irritated and wanted to release some hostility. When he started wrestling with me (still does to this day) he usually... well is in a playful mood and wants sex.

I've bent your ear long enough. I hope you find some peace soon.