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lynn09 · Oct 09, 2009, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zen888

I have been reading a book about DBT and Bipolar Disorder. Right now I am learning about mindfulness techniques and different types of thinking (emotional, reasoning, and wise).

I decided that 98% of my thinking is emotionally based and not based in wise thinking.

Then I have to gather my courage and strength to get my criminal record check and child welfare check. I am still very much paranoid about getting these checks done even though I know that I have never been arrested or convicted of any crimes nor have a ever abused a child nor would I. Can someone tell me why I think this way and will not pay attention to logical reasoning and hold onto that as factual legitimate information?

IMHO, (((Zen))) - the criminal record and child welfare checks both represent "authority figures" in a sense. One of your abusers was your father - your primary authority figure during your childhood. You were not guilty of anything - you did not commit any crime, yet you were "punished" anyway by your "authority figure" who made you feel that you deserved to be punished/abused just because of who you are - you were his property to use and abuse as he willed. You were helpless and defenseless in this situation. The very person who was supposed to protect you from all harm was, in fact, the source of your worst harm. Now come these "official" investigations - even though you know that you have never committed any crime and have never abused a child - even though you know in your logical mind that you are "innocent" and do not deserve to be punished, your emotional mind knows that innocence is no protection from punishment/abuse. What if these official, authoritative entities who have so much control over your life just like your father did decide that you deserve to be punished even though you are innocent just like your father did? It happened before!

(((Zen))) - Your psyche was completely traumatized by your father who had total control over your life and inflicted such pain and damage on you. Even requesting these official reports sets off all of your alarms - all of your warning systems - all of your defenses. You feel completely vulnerable, defenseless, and at their mercy - they have the "authority" to do with you as they will (or so your emotional mind tells you). Everytime you even think about having to pick up those reports, your emotional mind feels like it is being exposed to a very high risk of being abused by these authoritative entities. Your emotional mind is projecting your father's face and personality onto these entities.

Perhaps it would be better for you to take someone with you to pick up those reports. You have to fill out and sign the paperwork I'm sure, but the other person could actually receive those reports into their hands. Then, once you are "safely" away from the office, like in your car, this other person could then hand the reports to you; they could be a buffer between you and the reports - you would actually be receiving the reports from someone your emotional mind does trust. I'm thinking that this might be a good way to bypass your emotional mind, defuse the "fight or flight" self-preservation instinct, and depersonalize the entire situation. What do you think?