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On this forum, it is ok to talk about anything but the guidelines require that if you are going to talk about something that we call a "trigger" you will need to use the trigger (X) icon at the beginning of the post. A trigger is anything that describes something which might remind the reader of an incident of a flashback, abuse, self-injury, addiction, psychosis, hallucination, or other psychologically damaging activity. The trigger icon is simply a courtesy to warn readers.
I noticed in your post that there seems an indication that you are attracted to the excitement you experience with mania. That is very common. It is also one of the reasons that bipolars sometimes quit taking or refuse to take medication. In the long run, this turns out to be a bad decision.
I would encourage you to try to get your mania under control. It truly causes difficulty in living a peaceful and satisfying life.
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 Vickie
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