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Originally Posted by treehouse
(((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))))))) 
From what you've said in the past, it sounds like there was a time you were ready to talk about the memories with desk T, and SHE seemed like she didn't want to hear them. Of course that would shut you down. |
I forgot about that, she did shut me down. I was looking for some way to talk further, but then she would go back to current situations.
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Last year, I tried to talk to T about my October triggers. I couldn't say the words so I wrote a letter...and I was so scared that I went and sat on the bathroom floor while he read the letter. I don't remember how he reacted, but I remember feeling like HE didn't want to hear about it/talk about it. And I dropped it until this year!! And of course my T wasn't trying to shut me down...but I think we are so scared to tell (and have been told not to tell, and can't trust ourselves around telling) that we look for ANY sign that we shouldn't tell and it's so easy to just shut ourselves down. And that was with MY t, who obviously wants to be there for me and help me through this stuff. It seems really natural that you wouldn't be able to "go there" with desk T, who gave you absolutely no indication that she cared to hear about your past.
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Yes! I look for any sign that I shouldnt tell anyone. There is someplace inside of me that thinks, c'mon, why are saying this, he didnt do anything wrong, you have only yourself to blame. Nothing really bad happened. It was just what it was. What are you making a big deal over?
Desk-t made me feel like I was making a big deal over nothing ALL THE TIME. Even when something was a big deal, I was afraid of the "what is the big deal" reaction and then a referral to my bpd and that is why I overreact. Boy, do I not want to see her again.....
I think I will bring smaller, safer things up first. And reading the letter to her will reveal a lot. I want to talk about how I dont really remember most things. I remembered in the last week how EXTREMELY afraid I was of my father as a very small child. I was very little. And I remembered something else about a relative who reminded me of my father and how I reacted to him. My family would make a joke about it, and they still make a joke about it to this day. I cant remember what made me so afraid of my father (specifically) but I have an idea in general, if that makes sense.