Last night my H was out of town.

When I started therapy, I was very very very very scared of everything. I guess it was the PTSD/hypervigilance...but I didn't get that, I just thought the world was a really, relly dangerous place. If I was in a store, I thought someone was going to pull out a gun and start shooting, if I was in the car, I thought someone was following me, if I was at the park with my kids, I thought they would disappear - it was just constant. And the WORST thing was being home alone at night. If H was out of town, I literally wouldn't sleep, or I would catnap here and there if I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I really don't know how it's happened, but my fears have gradually disappeared. We never worked on any of them directly in therapy, but somehow, through therapy, I just feel SAFER. I'm not scared in stores, in my car, at the park...I can even go to movies, which used to be terrifying for me. Last night was the first time in a long time I've had to be alone at night....and I wasn't scared AT ALL. I got sleepy around 10, and I just went upstairs and went to sleep. I even checked in with myself to see if I was scared and just hadn't noticed...but I was FINE. And I got 8 hours of peaceful sleep.

All of that gives me a little bit of hope. I never thought I would feel safe in the world, and I basically DO. T and I did that...just by showing up and trusting the process. It makes me wonder if maybe, MAYBE, if I keep showing up and working hard with T, if someday I will get past the shame, in the same way I got past the fear.

It feels just IMPOSSIBLE, but maybe....?