I am so fustrated... I can not get motivated at all. I have not been getting dressed skipping a day or two not showering which I would never do before! I started seeing a counseler and pcd around the 21st and was put on Celexa and Zanax. I avoid the Zanax (.25mg) I does not help and the pcd even doubled the dose twice a day and then I was out like light! So I told him this over the phone and he said go back to one every eight hours but I did nothing so I stopped. I have not been able to sleep at night so I tried to take two and nothing! I did not knock me out like before...I have not taken since and I still can't sleep. When I finally do sleep I hit my dream state in the morning and then I start having dreams or nightmares about my ex boyfreind who was a crazy druggie, drunk who had abused me and could have killed me numerous times. I can not tell my husband about this as I think it will hurt his feelings I have these dreams about my ex. I was diganoised with severe anxiety, PTSD and they are also looking at PMDD. I was abused as a child physically, sexually, and mentally. I have had bad relationships through out my life and if I get into details I would be writing a book here. I know for a fact that I don't just have PTSD from my childhood but also from my other relationship experiences also. It has been a very hard and hurtful 38 years and now everything has come to a head every since my brother been diagnosed with leukiema and has been in the hospital for over a year and I can't face the fact he may not make it. I had not seen him for 13 years(until last summer) and hardley talked to my family because the moved almost 20 hrs away and I could never get there to see them and I always felt I had nothing to talk to them about because we lived different lives and I had been gone for so long (I left home at 16 and cried to myself for missing my mom and still do to this day I hate the fact that our lives are passing and I love her so much and lost so much time with her). I feel so horrible! Now I call him all the time and my mother also. I am feeling the pressure build that if he passes I am not going to be able to function..I can just feel it!!!!! I don't think I can deal withis happening. My family does not know I am out of work or my problems. I don't want them worring about me when my brother is so sick and battling this so hard. Also I don't want them to know because it also stems from my father and my mother does not deserve to be upset any more than what she is going thru. I wish I was as strong as her!
I hate that I can't hold it together I feel like such a loser! My brother is battling for his life and I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I feel so selfish but I can't fight it and it make me physically sick!