Thanks Echoes. I had to read this a number of times.
Quote:
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These misattunement events create an experience of the mother as a stranger and the infant as deficient. These experiences of misattunement may be understood as shame experiences. Shame experiences result from the sudden awareness that one is being viewed differently than one anticipated. In a shame experience, there is a split in awareness. The self is simultaneously experienced as deficient, helpless, confused, exposed, and passive, and at the same time is experiencing the shaming other as if inside the self. The other is experienced as powerful, overwhelming, judging, and right. Unrepaired shame experiences result in a self defined in shame. The shame self leads to a preoccupation with the feelings, behavior, and concerns of the other. This is a "false" self that experiences disorganization and an inability to regulate itself.11
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This passage almost sounds to me like the pre-development of a bpd- beginning as early as babyhood.
Desk-t said to me that my I did not attach to my mother. There was a void, although she was there in the house on and off. I attached somewhat to my grandmother and was scared of my father. This passage seems to fit what my babyhood was probably like. It describes a time in my life before I could talk, before I could remember, but somehow I believe its true for me. I dont understand how it is possible to heal from damage done so young. I dont think it is. How does that empty, painful void inside of me ever feel filled, ever feel whole? When its been there forever.