I am not even sure if this is the correct forum in which I should post but here it goes.

I had a T appointment this morning. All went well for the most part. We discussed my move to Texas, the fears, the positives and my overall feelings as of late.

I have been having some heavy worry hanging over my head. Stupid OCD thoughts and stuff, but nothing that I havent been up against before and couldnt handle with medication and therapy.

5 minutes before our therapy session was to end I had a full blown panic attack. In addition to the physical symptoms my T kept asking my to go to my safe place and I couldnt. I coulnt go to my safe place because I didnt have a safe place. I got even more afraid and I got extremely paranoid. Paranoid to the point of near hysteria. I was crying uncontrollably. In my mind, at that instant, I was afraid. Afraid of not having a safe zone. Afraid of losing control for good. For the first time since December, I felt like I needed to go to the Psych Hospital. WHY? I dont know why. Because I was paranoid. Paranoid of losing touch with everyone, not connecting with me, my family, my T and life as a whole. I am afraid of feeling like I have to go the the hospital because I am afraid that no one with ever be able to help me. I am afraid of being paranoid.

I suppose this post could have gone in the anxiety forum but I rarely come across people with Panic Disorder who experience the fear of paranoia like I do. I just need to know that I am going to be OK. I cant trust anyone to give me that answer, even my T. I feel out of touch in ways. I want to connect, I want to feel in control of my thoughts and feelings but sometimes I dont and I am afraid.

What does this mean? Why am I afraid of being paranoid? I know the fear of what might happen scares me. It hasnt happened but I still feel like it could. I get afraid when I feel like I cant trust anyone. I feel alone. I feel lonley and that makes me so sad and empty inside. It makes me afraid to feel that way. I dont want to do this anymore. I want to be "normal" what ever that it. I want to feel connected. I want to not be afraid. I think my medication has made me worse in alot if ways. I do not remembering being paranoid prior to taking the medication and I have been on this medication for several months. It has helped in so many ways but this fear of feeling paranoid has got me very afraid.

I hope I am making sense. Sometimes I feel like I do not make sense to myself. My mind feels full. And that scares me.

Well, I am gonna go for now because I just do not know what else to say. I am drained, my body feels tired, my eyes feel tired.