Today I finaly looked reality in the face and realized that I am truely alone in the world. No one knows me. What am I capable of? I could tell you but then I would be put in a place of weakness. My parents trained me to be someone Im not. They want me to be normal. But what defines normal? I want to be my true self, but what would that monster do? People say they are my friends yet none of them I can approch and tell them what is really on my mind...
I dont even know who I am anymore??? Someone once told me that people like me never change and that we only evolve... is this true, have I become something truely dark and terrible? I fight these eruges and I try to find someone to talk to. Someone who will stand by me through the storm that rages around me. I thought I found that person once... but I was so wrong. They riped me apart and made all my thoughts and beliefs about people come true. I lost the one friend I thought I knew.
I have no one to talk to, although I try to talk to my parents. But I think I scare them. They know what I am. They raised me and there for they know that they had to pick their battles carefully. I cant live like this anymore, all I want is one friend, a person who will try to understand me. A person who wont run from the first bit of darkness I show them. I need someone who will listen and wont crucifie me for crying.
All I have now are my journal, half of which I dont even remember writing, Im usually sitting in a tree over looking the sea watching the waves crash on the rocks below. There are many times were I just want to jump and let the sea take me to a new place. But my writing it interests me, I want to know who I am. Can I change? Or is there no hope?
I dont expect anyone to be my friend, or even care. How could a person dare? Im not looking for 'Im sorry' or 'I hope you get help' I have heard it all before, and I even tried to get help but they always put me off. They dont want to deal with a person like me. I understand this. My mind and thoughts scare even the strongest of people. I understand that I am a person meant to have no friends, no family, no one, and yet it is the only thing I wish for. Perhaps I only need a partner in thought...
WHO AM I????
WHAT AM I????
I AM ALONE AS IT SHOULD BE!