You are all so supportive

This morning I had a fight with my H - we RARELY fight, probably less than once a year, and during the fight I said "you are so hateful" and he said "I FEEL hateful right now". A little while later, upstairs, I LOST IT. I could see myself, but I couldn't stop myself. I don't think I've ever freaked out like this before. I was sobbing and told H that I KNEW he hated me, that everyone hates me, that I hate myself, and he can just join the ****ing club. I told him that he is a liar. I told him that I always knew he hated me, and I didn't care. I couldn't breathe.

We were quiet so I don't think the kids heard us. I don't know if I've ever lost control like that before - it scared me. I feel HORRIBLE now. Like all of the bad feelings have bubbled back up to the surface and I'm stuck in the dark place again.